Monthly Archives: November 2016
I looked up rebound and found that one could assume you are…
“psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship.”
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL, FOLKS!
Apparently, I just rebounded…. BOING! BOING! BOING! Another punch to the gut… I should have written that on my forehead with a sharpie.
In other words, the rebound relationship is characterized by some or all of the following:
Brief period since the breakup or first emotional relationship since the breakup – CHECK
Transference of unresolved feelings since the breakup – CHECK
Emotional vulnerability, desire to be distracted from pain, belief that one love cures the pain of another, fear of being alone – CHECK
3 out of 3, I like to win but come on!… SHEESH! Wyatt Earp was right… another punch to the gut, hmmm, let me see that is 5 to 1, Wyatt is still in the lead on the lessons of brutal honesty…
My Rebound Relationship Experience
In my own experience, I’ve just involved myself in a “transitional” relationship. In other words, I gradually learned from and distancing myself from destructive traits that my ex possessed, the men I typically attract and the familiarity that I felt in dealing with them.
Not long after I began dating after divorce, I found myself in “puppy love” with a man who could not have been MORE different than my ex. I was hungry for his attentiveness. I was blissful in his capacity for emotional intimacy. I fell hard and fast, freaked out, and then the relationship slowly dissolved – was heartbroken (thanks to my newly acquired power of numbing, my GIRL POWER is back in check). He is a great guy, everything someone would want in a partner in more ways than one ;o), but our timing was off – I’m just not ready, plain and simple.
They say “heartbreak” won’t kill you and you can and will love again after divorce, but vulnerability can certainly encourage distorted judgment. Still working on my VULNERABILITY theory…. However, I still question if one can really ever love again after divorcing someone they were initially head over heels in love with. I hear the words coming out of his mouth, but…..
Can the rebound relationship become something solid and endure? It certainly could happen, but I think one would need to take the time necessary to be sure it’s more than momentary magic or a tempting transition. So slowing down and going to take the time to see if can endure.
In other news….. thinking about becoming blonde again….
Regardless of our age or who we are, we always revert to our childhood ways when eating ice cream.
Spider Monkey’s: These scavengers waste nothing! They attack their ice cream like a spider monkey would attack a human as if he were on angel dust. In their personal lives they are a total whirlwind… of success! Spider Monkey’s are tenacious and their ambitions lead them to great victories. They are basically the poster children for #goals and nothing holds them back in life. If you could siphon some of that crazy energy and momentum into the rest of us, that would be great, thanks!
The Licker: Licker’s are methodical and calculating when eating their ice cream. Always scanning the room and those around them as they lick their cone slowly…. ever so slowly (kind of like a tiger stalking its prey). It is said the Licker is more pessimistic than you would think. Licker’s are also analytic and decisive. Their friends call them an “old souls” because they are typically home by 11, but really they just like to stick to a routine. Their home is full of vintage items, not because they’re trendy, but because they truly don’t make things like they used to — which is also why they still keep that old flip phone in a junk drawer somewhere. In their spare time, Licker’s read classic works of fiction and a fair amount of their sentences begin with “I was listening to public radio and…”
Dapper Dan: Dapper Dan’s take care and pride when eating their ice cream. They pay attention to every detail, making sure not to drip a single drop. Dapper Dan’s are passionate people, and are often made very upset by even small injustices, like when someone doesn’t hold the door open for the person behind them. Growing up, they were president of the class and the captain of a debate team, and in their spare time they volunteered at a local animal shelter. Their loved ones will often tell you that they are stretching themselves too thin, and their therapist recommended they start telling people “no” more often, but in reality they just enjoy helping others and being part of a community, even if it means being sleep-deprived. They also haven’t done laundry in a month.
Scavenger: Scavengers waste nothing, they take no prisoners, they just take what they want and when it comes to ice cream, there is no exception. They thrive on experiencing new things. Scavenger’s don’t jump on trends because it’s the cool thing to do; they jump on trends because it’s a new and exciting adventure. #YOLO, amirite? They’ve tried yoga, they’ve gone to a sip-and-paint class, they French press their coffee and they are most likely baking their way through the Momofuku Milk Bar book right now. They just keep on keeping on.
Thug Life: Thug Lifer’s make eating ice cream seem cool and seamless. They are about as chill as your ice cream. They don’t get worked up over nothing, and they’re content just rolling with the punches. Because of this, Thug Lifer’s are not afraid of a little (or a lot of) of indulgence, and why should they be? A handful of cookie dough never hurt anyone… right? Milk and cookies, huh? They know how to be an adult, but they are a total kid at heart. They might even still thumb through comic books and play video games with no pants on. (That’s acceptable, right?) Despite all their successes in life, they refuse to give up their true self, and that should be celebrated. Preferably with cookies smashed into ice cream. They heckle at sporting events, and sarcasm is their middle name. Though sometimes a bit rambunctious and (playfully) cocky, they are a true solid friend once people get to know them. Their pals can depend on them for pretty much anything, anytime. They have a big personality with an even bigger heart… but we’ll keep that last part on the down-low.
Chubby Bunnies: Chubby Bunnies are sassy and poised when taking a lick, they do it with such style and confidence that no one ever questions them. They certainly don’t need a man, they just need ice cream. Chubby Bunnies are likely to be flirtatious and seductive, and also lively, charming, dramatic, and gullible. They tend to be dramatic and approach life with “gusto.” They don’t really care about the future and thrive on the “passion of the moment,” needing constant stimulation in a romantic relationship.
The Fury: This ice cream is the only thing keeping him sane right now. Keeping one eye on you making sure you don’t make any sudden moves. ‘nough said… yeesh!
The Warrior: Warrior’s come complete with game face — there’s nothing dainty about their methods. If they could, they would yell “CHARGE” upon entering the ice cream parlor. If there’s more than one option to pick from, they are inclined to go with “all”. As a kid, they smooshed multiple double-stuff cookies together to create towering, creme-filled, edible towers of Pisa, as a teenager, they mixed all the soda flavors they could fit in their cup. This isn’t a hunger thing — they just legitimately love to create, and probably have an extreme respect for impressionist painters. They are also the sort who never match their socks, and have never used an iron, and never will.
BFF: BFF’s love to eat ice cream with their friends. They love sharing stories and giggling until all hours of the night. They are old souls who find joy in life’s simplest moments, or… fine. They’ll just say it. Despite being a bit of a wallflower, they have an effervescent spirit, and everyone needs a friend like them to keep them balanced. BFF’s are well rooted and family oriented, and they try to see the good in everyone. Even if they living in a big city, they possess the modest characteristics of small-town folk. BFF’s are one of the easiest people to get along with. They’re affable and thoughtful, and they are willing to go the extra mile for those they care about, with no expectations in return. With all that considered, BFF’s are obviously pretty great to spend time with, especially for those of their friends who are a little on the anxious side.
The Biter: Be weary of Biters, as they sometimes can be extremely aggressive people. Biter’s have a profound amount of ambition, confidence, frugalness and are argumentative. They aren’t fully satisfied until they find the tarnish on the silver lining. You see how they approach their ice cream, you have been warned.
The Hot Mess (this one deserved three contestants): HM’s are ambidextrous! They eat their ice cream with the veracity and tenaciousness one would expect from someone who uses all five senses to indulge their every creamy whim. Hot Messes are all about mixing and matching textures. If they don’t have a shag rug, then they have dreamt about owning one. In fact, they find the ’70s aesthetic in general pretty appealing. They have cultivated a very impressive and cozy collection of pillows, so much so that they may be running short of places to sleep/sit in their house. Hot Messes are truly creative if not eclectic people and they bounce around conversation topics at lightning speed since everything interests them — but they never stop on one thought for too long.
Getting Down to Business (GDB): The No-Nonsense Approach. GDB’s take their ice cream eating seriously, you might not want to sit next to them at a game or you could end up with ice cream in your eye when their team scores a point. GDB’s are likely aggressive and engaging, but a good listener. They are also goal-oriented and often successful, but sometimes their aggressive behavior can “inadvertently hurt the feelings of those that surround him.” GDB’s are blunt and have zero tolerance for nonsense. They know what they want in life and aren’t going to settle for less — the proof is in the cone! Be real, or get out.
Dare to be Different: DTBD’s like when their ice cream gets straight to the point. They are not indecisive, they’re just very choosy. They have a borderline disturbingly extensive knowledge of wine and food pairings — but striking a balance and finding the complement is kind of their bag (the bag which incidentally matches your shoes on a preternatural level). They know how to look at the big picture, then rearrange elements of the big picture until they all fit perfectly, like a life-sized game of Tetris. DTBD’s are excellent at planning dinner parties and juggling awkward conversations.
The Day Dreamer: DD’s savor every moment of their ice cream. Looking to the sky as if they are thanking God for creating such a masterpiece. They most likely decorate extensively with their favorite color on par with Prince’s passion for purple. They are people of a magical mind, when they latch onto an idea they dig deep — in college, their thesis advisor probably oscillated between loving and hating them on a pretty regular basis. DD’s are profound individuals with an amazing sense of self. They are honest, waste no time on judgment and know how to enrich their lives with the most basic means. Sometimes they dream about backpacking abroad; other times they dream about settling into the countryside and growing their own produce. DD’s can be indecisive AF, but hey, it happens. In a world full of options, decisions are hard for them. They are that same individual who can never decide on a restaurant, which shirt to buy or what drink to order at the bar. Thus, an affinity for the win-win-win trifecta of eating Neapolitan ice cream is good to know.
What is your style? Comments are always welcome!
WHAT WOMEN WANT… OR THINK THEY WANT….
Ironically, I can attest that women typically always want the Bad Boy. After years of seeking out this persona I have come to learn (it only took 44 years) that Bad Boys are … not for me.
Women approach mate selection by over emphasizing false dichotomies – bad boy/asshole vs nice guy as if all men fit into one box or the other (I am just as guilty). Unfortunately the boxes we create are further from reality and the truth. With today’s media women believe Bad Boys are really the soft-hearted, loyal mates we read about in romance novels and see in movies. We make them into fictional characters upon meeting them and convince ourselves that they are really only in “Love” with us. In reality, this is so far from the truth that it hurts to even think about it.
I’ve read over and over again women want two things – good genetics and/or many resources. Women desire alpha males because they will be successful – no matter what. Good genetics in a social society is an outgoing self-confident personality. Self-confidence means focusing on goals rather than a woman. When a man is making something happen, women are incidental (I repeat, incidental). Thus, a man who finds women trivial to success (I repeat, trivial) will automatically succeed and eventually find a woman whom he will deem to be a show pony to his success. When he is not around, she can do the gardener if she wants because he is focused elsewhere. But the gardener will never provide the million dollar home, the vacations to the sunshine, or the big rock that can double for a door knob on her finger. (I can tell you that without a doubt, I am tired of being made to feel “incidental” or “trivial”)
What if women reprogrammed their methodology of mate selection? What if women turned the tables? What if women focused on their goals rather than a man? What if a women found men to be trivial to her success and upon becoming successful found a man who she deemed to be her show pony?
Women are more conscientious than to use someone to be a show pony or find them to be either incidental or trivial; it is just one of the gifts God has bestowed upon us. So now what?
FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE
It can’t always be one-sided, that would be unhealthy. You want a mate who reciprocates. A man who is genuine will to go dinner at a place that was chosen by both parties, perhaps even with some friendly banter over which restaurant is preferable. A man who is genuine will offer to pay but certainly won’t force the issue if you throw down your debit card and offer to split the check. A man who is genuine will disagree with you if he disagrees, and argue and talk and have a conversation with peaks and valleys, and intellectual stimulation, but will not make you feel like you’re being pandered to. A man who is genuine will walk you to your door, but will be content with a hug and a friendly wave goodnight. A man who is genuine will never make you feel obligated to do anything.
MOST IMPORTANTLY – NO DRAMA! NO EXCESSIVE BAGGAGE!
Try living by these eleven rules…
You can’t save anyone, so save yourself the time
Be honest with yourself
Communicate your needs and wants and be sure you know his. With this awareness, you will not be disappointed or frustrated
Manage your own emotional reactivity
Avoid being treated poorly
Be sure you are ready for a relationship and are not going into it feeling needy, desperate, hurt, angry or wounded
Pace yourself – just enjoy the present and see what happens
Let the relationship just enhance who you already are, if it doesn’t – peace out… and quick!
FIGHT FAIRLY – without one person feeling like they always have to give in. Listen, share and validate each other – Compromise….
Your relationship should be fun, loving and nurturing. A relationship that goes from one state of chaos to another is not healthy. You deserve a harmonious relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation!
Maybe it is best to wait for the man who is genuine and let him win you over.
WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT…