Category Archives: Lies
By the time you get into your 40s, if you have the misfortune to find yourself in the dating pool, let me just tell you: It’s a shit show. Sorry, maybe that was too harsh. I’ll tone it down a bit. It’s like being thrown in a serial killer’s basement. Seriously, it is that bad.
This is a 3 part series to help you navigate your way through the world of dating after 40, the good, the bad and the ugly.
How to spot him: This is the 40-something guy who has totally adjusted to living alone. Which is great. He’s probably very happy.
Why he’s tempting: He wants to meet a woman and the last time you checked – welp, you fit the criteria.
Why you should steer clear: He doesn’t want to change his life or schedule one iota for you. This is the guy who will say something early on like, “I have tennis on Wednesday, squash on Thursday, I’m camping all weekend, I need to spend Monday and Tuesday writing my novel, I walk my dog from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. and I like to get to bed early. So can you meet for 20 minutes at 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday in three weeks? Oh, and can you come to my neighborhood?”
Mr. Guy Who Just Wants To Have Fun
How to spot him: At this point in your life, if you come across men who have never married or are divorced and want to stay that way, chances are that they’re “confirmed bachelors” who are just looking to have some fun.
Why he’s tempting: If that’s your goal too, then this type of guy is your perfect match. However, if you’re looking for something with a future, you need to put your cards on the table early and gauge his reaction.
Why you should steer clear: If you think you can get him to fall in love with you and that he will change his mind, you may be sadly disappointed and will have wasted precious time. Or, you could be the woman who brings about his 360. Either way, it’s like playing a table in Vegas— May the odds be ever in your favor!
Mr. Much Older Man
How to spot him: The grey hair is a dead giveaway.
Why he’s tempting: You may be tired of dating guys your own age and looking for a more mature man—a man who may be ten or more years older than you. This kind of older man, with a father-figure persona, will most likely treat you like a queen. Chivalry isn’t dead with this kind of man and he’ll tell you everything you want to hear.
Why you should steer clear: Many people who have married older men are extremely content in this type of relationship. Some may think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but others may quickly realize that they’ll soon be his nurse taking care of him in his declining years. Before you jump to this decision, remember that the age gap becomes more of an issue the older you get and be sure that he’s what you really want.
Mr. One seeking a Mom for his kids (and not much else)
How to spot him: This one strategically includes heartwarming photos of his kids on his online dating profile. It’s almost as if he uses his unsuspecting offspring as the bait to reel nurturing would-be mothers into his plan. He’s a bit rarer than other types, but easy to spot with full or primary custody of his children.
Why he’s tempting: If he’s an awesome dad and you get along great with his children, it’s very easy to fall for the whole package too soon. This makes it difficult to focus on knowing whether your relationship with him has the right foundation for a healthy and loving future together. It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of an instant family and kids, but remember that you’re not just taking on one person; you’re taking on the whole crew. And sometimes that crew involves ex-wives, ex in-laws, and a whole host of shared friends and family members who will become part of your life too. This can be a wonderful thing, but it’s a serious commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Be sure you’re both marrying each other for the right reasons.
Why you should steer clear: He may even initially act as if his search is all about you. But it’s not. It’s about him. He’s stressed about being a single Dad and it’s eroding his golf game and severely cutting into his hunting time. This man has already been through it all but is still looking to get married quickly so he’ll have a mother figure, nannie, or housekeeper to help him with his kids.
Mr. One who won’t commit… to anything… ever
How to spot him: This one is self-explanatory. He’s a playboy, a barfly, and is easy to identify. He often dates much younger women. He may have even been married more than once already. The good news is that he is so committed to being non-committal that he will even tell you up front that he isn’t looking for anything serious. Words of advice: he means it!
Why he’s tempting: Yet even with explicit warnings straight from the horse’s mouth, as women, we tend to hear what we want to hear. When he says “I don’t want a serious relationship,” we hear “I don’t want a serious relationship… until I find the right one…which could be you.”
Why you should steer clear: But you can never be The Right One for this guy, so get out while you can or prepare to have your heart broken.
Mr. Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch
How to spot him: On the other side of the coin, after losing some weight, getting decent clothes, and having early career success, The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch is getting more attention each week than he got in his first 25 years combined.
Why he’s tempting: Girls find it endearing that such an appealing guy has managed to maintain his humility, when it’s actually just that he’s assuming every girl is out of his league at all times.
Why you should steer clear: Once his new situation starts to sink in, he enters an unfortunate new phase, stressing his male friends out by doing things like winking at them over the shoulder of a girl he’s dancing with and offering them a fist pound when an attractive girl walks by on the street.
Life is full of ups, downs and all arounds. Thinking of ways to soothe our soul and calm ourselves are things we are not so good at. We would rather be stressed out, freaked out, on edge or going ninety to nothin’. Here is a list of top ten ways to feel better:
Find a piece of cardboard, stand by an intersection and solicit your fellow drivers for things you want, such as candy, hugs, a date or whatever suits your fancy!
Purchase a pill organizer and load up your favorite treats, be sure to pull it out in front of your co-workers, as it will surely give them something to talk about.
Go to the local zoo or anyplace that offers train rides.
Make sure you sit next to the person who looks like they are having the worst day and then give them something to laugh about.
Be sure to include them in #7, #6, #5, #4 & #3
Find a group of strangers and make friends, see if you can find one who will be attached to you at the hip for some fun and shenanigans!
Pull out your camera and get creative with your new found friends!
Don’t be shy! Get to fingering painting! You all will enjoy basking in the glow of your new designer duds!
Be sure to go to your local fountain to wash off, it will provide entertainment not just for you and your new friends,
but also all the innocent bystanders!
See how many people you all can get together to make a giant circle massage in your local park!
Be sure to do this close to a patch of mud (see #3).
Quietly sneak over to a fresh patch of mud and start slingin’!
Then get ready for some pig squeelin’, hog sloppin’, dirty fun!
Let the games begin!
For real peace, quiet and calmness pet something furry!
Whether it be a wall, fuzzy cat or a squishy panda, just fluff yourself all over it and make cuddles!
AND THE #1 THINGS TO DO TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER:
Take Your Damn Pants Off – You’ll Feel Much Better!
All I can say is that I am putting 110% into Christmas this year and it is going to be magical!
I’ve got my groove on, my blonde locks are back, I’ve got that glow and a twinkle in my smile.
We will be celebrating Christmas in the snowy wonderland of Denver!
I’ve already starting packing, long johns, socks, snow boots, jacket, mittens, etc. etc.
Took Stella to the groomer and she and Brandi are ready to hang out with her cousins on the ranch!
The birds are chirping, the butterflies are fluttering and I just can’t wipe this grin off my face!
Just remember it is not the presents that make it special, but the laughter, the feeling of love, and the togetherness of friends and family that make Christmas special!
I looked up rebound and found that one could assume you are…
“psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship.”
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL, FOLKS!
Apparently, I just rebounded…. BOING! BOING! BOING! Another punch to the gut… I should have written that on my forehead with a sharpie.
In other words, the rebound relationship is characterized by some or all of the following:
Brief period since the breakup or first emotional relationship since the breakup – CHECK
Transference of unresolved feelings since the breakup – CHECK
Emotional vulnerability, desire to be distracted from pain, belief that one love cures the pain of another, fear of being alone – CHECK
3 out of 3, I like to win but come on!… SHEESH! Wyatt Earp was right… another punch to the gut, hmmm, let me see that is 5 to 1, Wyatt is still in the lead on the lessons of brutal honesty…
My Rebound Relationship Experience
In my own experience, I’ve just involved myself in a “transitional” relationship. In other words, I gradually learned from and distancing myself from destructive traits that my ex possessed, the men I typically attract and the familiarity that I felt in dealing with them.
Not long after I began dating after divorce, I found myself in “puppy love” with a man who could not have been MORE different than my ex. I was hungry for his attentiveness. I was blissful in his capacity for emotional intimacy. I fell hard and fast, freaked out, and then the relationship slowly dissolved – was heartbroken (thanks to my newly acquired power of numbing, my GIRL POWER is back in check). He is a great guy, everything someone would want in a partner in more ways than one ;o), but our timing was off – I’m just not ready, plain and simple.
They say “heartbreak” won’t kill you and you can and will love again after divorce, but vulnerability can certainly encourage distorted judgment. Still working on my VULNERABILITY theory…. However, I still question if one can really ever love again after divorcing someone they were initially head over heels in love with. I hear the words coming out of his mouth, but…..
Can the rebound relationship become something solid and endure? It certainly could happen, but I think one would need to take the time necessary to be sure it’s more than momentary magic or a tempting transition. So slowing down and going to take the time to see if can endure.
In other news….. thinking about becoming blonde again….
WHAT WOMEN WANT… OR THINK THEY WANT….
Ironically, I can attest that women typically always want the Bad Boy. After years of seeking out this persona I have come to learn (it only took 44 years) that Bad Boys are … not for me.
Women approach mate selection by over emphasizing false dichotomies – bad boy/asshole vs nice guy as if all men fit into one box or the other (I am just as guilty). Unfortunately the boxes we create are further from reality and the truth. With today’s media women believe Bad Boys are really the soft-hearted, loyal mates we read about in romance novels and see in movies. We make them into fictional characters upon meeting them and convince ourselves that they are really only in “Love” with us. In reality, this is so far from the truth that it hurts to even think about it.
I’ve read over and over again women want two things – good genetics and/or many resources. Women desire alpha males because they will be successful – no matter what. Good genetics in a social society is an outgoing self-confident personality. Self-confidence means focusing on goals rather than a woman. When a man is making something happen, women are incidental (I repeat, incidental). Thus, a man who finds women trivial to success (I repeat, trivial) will automatically succeed and eventually find a woman whom he will deem to be a show pony to his success. When he is not around, she can do the gardener if she wants because he is focused elsewhere. But the gardener will never provide the million dollar home, the vacations to the sunshine, or the big rock that can double for a door knob on her finger. (I can tell you that without a doubt, I am tired of being made to feel “incidental” or “trivial”)
What if women reprogrammed their methodology of mate selection? What if women turned the tables? What if women focused on their goals rather than a man? What if a women found men to be trivial to her success and upon becoming successful found a man who she deemed to be her show pony?
Women are more conscientious than to use someone to be a show pony or find them to be either incidental or trivial; it is just one of the gifts God has bestowed upon us. So now what?
FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE
It can’t always be one-sided, that would be unhealthy. You want a mate who reciprocates. A man who is genuine will to go dinner at a place that was chosen by both parties, perhaps even with some friendly banter over which restaurant is preferable. A man who is genuine will offer to pay but certainly won’t force the issue if you throw down your debit card and offer to split the check. A man who is genuine will disagree with you if he disagrees, and argue and talk and have a conversation with peaks and valleys, and intellectual stimulation, but will not make you feel like you’re being pandered to. A man who is genuine will walk you to your door, but will be content with a hug and a friendly wave goodnight. A man who is genuine will never make you feel obligated to do anything.
MOST IMPORTANTLY – NO DRAMA! NO EXCESSIVE BAGGAGE!
Try living by these eleven rules…
You can’t save anyone, so save yourself the time
Be honest with yourself
Communicate your needs and wants and be sure you know his. With this awareness, you will not be disappointed or frustrated
Manage your own emotional reactivity
Avoid being treated poorly
Be sure you are ready for a relationship and are not going into it feeling needy, desperate, hurt, angry or wounded
Pace yourself – just enjoy the present and see what happens
Let the relationship just enhance who you already are, if it doesn’t – peace out… and quick!
FIGHT FAIRLY – without one person feeling like they always have to give in. Listen, share and validate each other – Compromise….
Your relationship should be fun, loving and nurturing. A relationship that goes from one state of chaos to another is not healthy. You deserve a harmonious relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation!
Maybe it is best to wait for the man who is genuine and let him win you over.
WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT…
I am a highly educated woman with an expansive vocabulary. There I said it. Believe me when I say, that took a lot of guts.
Observing social behavior is one of the most pleasurable activities. Some could care less about the social mores of society and tend to avoid them at all costs. However, there are a few very educated people who use these as tools to observe social behavior (mostly bullshit). Curiously people unconsciously give away their hidden agenda without even knowing it. Their attempt to deceive becomes so obviously apparent it actually makes them look foolish. If you just sit quietly, listen and observe you will find the answer is actually between the lines. Just remember, infinite patience gets you immediate results.
Your mind has to innately organize information constantly. Every little piece of information has a place, typically people like to start somewhere in the middle and work their way out. Having the ability to disseminate minor details that later become a major detail is essential. Sometimes you will feel like Neo in the Matrix, knowing something was off but you just can’t readily put your finger on it. Everybody has different levels of consciousness and awareness, so just sit tight. (there is no need to stick your finger in it)
Instead of being analytical, it really comes down to the brass tacks of having a bullshitsky meter. Which I now proclaim to have a war against and am finding it to be a completely unwinnable situation. Everyone seems to have their own private bullshitorium, one they are selling tickets to, even if you are not buying, they seem to lure you in only to rob you blind.
Bullshit oozes out of ones mouth like diarrhea, it also rears its ugly head in body language, like stepping in a pile of it. Everyone has a good reason and they will always have a real reason for doing or saying something. For me, I always want to give the real reason, not just a bullshit good reason. Bullshit (lies) destroy trust, the binding force in all relationships. Bullshit is defined as inventions made in ignorance of the facts, where the primary goal is to protect oneself or gain a benefit (cost benefit analysis, hmmm). It is a form of unnecessary deception committed in the gray area between polite white lies and complete malicious fabrications. Why do some want to confront the bullshitter? Has the bullshitter ever once admitted “thank you for pointing out to me that I’m inferior as a human being.”
To detect bullshit you have to swallow some cynicism, and add internal doubt to everything you hear. Socrates based his philosophy around the recognition, and expectation, of ignorance. It is far more dangerous to assume people know what they are talking about, than it is to assume they don’t and let them prove you wrong. So if you want to appear educated, be like Socrates, assume people are unaware of their own ignorance and politely, warmly, probe to sort out the difference.
And always remember the definition of a bullshitter:
- Foolish, deceitful, or boastful language.
- Something worthless, deceptive, or insincere.
- Insolent talk or behavior.
- bull·shit also bull·shat (-shăt) or bull·shit·ted (-shĭt′ĭd), bull·shit·ting, bull·shits
- To speak foolishly or insolently.
- To engage in idle conversation.
To attempt to mislead or deceive by talking nonsense.
Very angry; incensed.
Used to express extreme displeasure or exasperation.