Ice Cream Eaters Untie!
Regardless of our age or who we are, we always revert to our childhood ways when eating ice cream.
Spider Monkey’s: These scavengers waste nothing! They attack their ice cream like a spider monkey would attack a human as if he were on angel dust. In their personal lives they are a total whirlwind… of success! Spider Monkey’s are tenacious and their ambitions lead them to great victories. They are basically the poster children for #goals and nothing holds them back in life. If you could siphon some of that crazy energy and momentum into the rest of us, that would be great, thanks!
The Licker: Licker’s are methodical and calculating when eating their ice cream. Always scanning the room and those around them as they lick their cone slowly…. ever so slowly (kind of like a tiger stalking its prey). It is said the Licker is more pessimistic than you would think. Licker’s are also analytic and decisive. Their friends call them an “old souls” because they are typically home by 11, but really they just like to stick to a routine. Their home is full of vintage items, not because they’re trendy, but because they truly don’t make things like they used to — which is also why they still keep that old flip phone in a junk drawer somewhere. In their spare time, Licker’s read classic works of fiction and a fair amount of their sentences begin with “I was listening to public radio and…”
Dapper Dan: Dapper Dan’s take care and pride when eating their ice cream. They pay attention to every detail, making sure not to drip a single drop. Dapper Dan’s are passionate people, and are often made very upset by even small injustices, like when someone doesn’t hold the door open for the person behind them. Growing up, they were president of the class and the captain of a debate team, and in their spare time they volunteered at a local animal shelter. Their loved ones will often tell you that they are stretching themselves too thin, and their therapist recommended they start telling people “no” more often, but in reality they just enjoy helping others and being part of a community, even if it means being sleep-deprived. They also haven’t done laundry in a month.
Scavenger: Scavengers waste nothing, they take no prisoners, they just take what they want and when it comes to ice cream, there is no exception. They thrive on experiencing new things. Scavenger’s don’t jump on trends because it’s the cool thing to do; they jump on trends because it’s a new and exciting adventure. #YOLO, amirite? They’ve tried yoga, they’ve gone to a sip-and-paint class, they French press their coffee and they are most likely baking their way through the Momofuku Milk Bar book right now. They just keep on keeping on.
Thug Life: Thug Lifer’s make eating ice cream seem cool and seamless. They are about as chill as your ice cream. They don’t get worked up over nothing, and they’re content just rolling with the punches. Because of this, Thug Lifer’s are not afraid of a little (or a lot of) of indulgence, and why should they be? A handful of cookie dough never hurt anyone… right? Milk and cookies, huh? They know how to be an adult, but they are a total kid at heart. They might even still thumb through comic books and play video games with no pants on. (That’s acceptable, right?) Despite all their successes in life, they refuse to give up their true self, and that should be celebrated. Preferably with cookies smashed into ice cream. They heckle at sporting events, and sarcasm is their middle name. Though sometimes a bit rambunctious and (playfully) cocky, they are a true solid friend once people get to know them. Their pals can depend on them for pretty much anything, anytime. They have a big personality with an even bigger heart… but we’ll keep that last part on the down-low.
Chubby Bunnies: Chubby Bunnies are sassy and poised when taking a lick, they do it with such style and confidence that no one ever questions them. They certainly don’t need a man, they just need ice cream. Chubby Bunnies are likely to be flirtatious and seductive, and also lively, charming, dramatic, and gullible. They tend to be dramatic and approach life with “gusto.” They don’t really care about the future and thrive on the “passion of the moment,” needing constant stimulation in a romantic relationship.
The Fury: This ice cream is the only thing keeping him sane right now. Keeping one eye on you making sure you don’t make any sudden moves. ‘nough said… yeesh!
The Warrior: Warrior’s come complete with game face — there’s nothing dainty about their methods. If they could, they would yell “CHARGE” upon entering the ice cream parlor. If there’s more than one option to pick from, they are inclined to go with “all”. As a kid, they smooshed multiple double-stuff cookies together to create towering, creme-filled, edible towers of Pisa, as a teenager, they mixed all the soda flavors they could fit in their cup. This isn’t a hunger thing — they just legitimately love to create, and probably have an extreme respect for impressionist painters. They are also the sort who never match their socks, and have never used an iron, and never will.
BFF: BFF’s love to eat ice cream with their friends. They love sharing stories and giggling until all hours of the night. They are old souls who find joy in life’s simplest moments, or… fine. They’ll just say it. Despite being a bit of a wallflower, they have an effervescent spirit, and everyone needs a friend like them to keep them balanced. BFF’s are well rooted and family oriented, and they try to see the good in everyone. Even if they living in a big city, they possess the modest characteristics of small-town folk. BFF’s are one of the easiest people to get along with. They’re affable and thoughtful, and they are willing to go the extra mile for those they care about, with no expectations in return. With all that considered, BFF’s are obviously pretty great to spend time with, especially for those of their friends who are a little on the anxious side.
The Biter: Be weary of Biters, as they sometimes can be extremely aggressive people. Biter’s have a profound amount of ambition, confidence, frugalness and are argumentative. They aren’t fully satisfied until they find the tarnish on the silver lining. You see how they approach their ice cream, you have been warned.
The Hot Mess (this one deserved three contestants): HM’s are ambidextrous! They eat their ice cream with the veracity and tenaciousness one would expect from someone who uses all five senses to indulge their every creamy whim. Hot Messes are all about mixing and matching textures. If they don’t have a shag rug, then they have dreamt about owning one. In fact, they find the ’70s aesthetic in general pretty appealing. They have cultivated a very impressive and cozy collection of pillows, so much so that they may be running short of places to sleep/sit in their house. Hot Messes are truly creative if not eclectic people and they bounce around conversation topics at lightning speed since everything interests them — but they never stop on one thought for too long.
Getting Down to Business (GDB): The No-Nonsense Approach. GDB’s take their ice cream eating seriously, you might not want to sit next to them at a game or you could end up with ice cream in your eye when their team scores a point. GDB’s are likely aggressive and engaging, but a good listener. They are also goal-oriented and often successful, but sometimes their aggressive behavior can “inadvertently hurt the feelings of those that surround him.” GDB’s are blunt and have zero tolerance for nonsense. They know what they want in life and aren’t going to settle for less — the proof is in the cone! Be real, or get out.
Dare to be Different: DTBD’s like when their ice cream gets straight to the point. They are not indecisive, they’re just very choosy. They have a borderline disturbingly extensive knowledge of wine and food pairings — but striking a balance and finding the complement is kind of their bag (the bag which incidentally matches your shoes on a preternatural level). They know how to look at the big picture, then rearrange elements of the big picture until they all fit perfectly, like a life-sized game of Tetris. DTBD’s are excellent at planning dinner parties and juggling awkward conversations.
The Day Dreamer: DD’s savor every moment of their ice cream. Looking to the sky as if they are thanking God for creating such a masterpiece. They most likely decorate extensively with their favorite color on par with Prince’s passion for purple. They are people of a magical mind, when they latch onto an idea they dig deep — in college, their thesis advisor probably oscillated between loving and hating them on a pretty regular basis. DD’s are profound individuals with an amazing sense of self. They are honest, waste no time on judgment and know how to enrich their lives with the most basic means. Sometimes they dream about backpacking abroad; other times they dream about settling into the countryside and growing their own produce. DD’s can be indecisive AF, but hey, it happens. In a world full of options, decisions are hard for them. They are that same individual who can never decide on a restaurant, which shirt to buy or what drink to order at the bar. Thus, an affinity for the win-win-win trifecta of eating Neapolitan ice cream is good to know.
What is your style? Comments are always welcome!
Posted on November 16, 2016, in Bad Boys, Bits and pieces, Bullshit, Care, Chuck Taylors, Cool Chicks, Cool girls, Ice Cream, Ice Cream Cone, Love, My Life Over 40, Nice Guys, Pilots, Professional Growth for Women??? - 10 Part Series, Smart Women, Smarty Pants, Socrates, Uncategorized, Weekend, What women want, WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE...., Whole again. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.