Category Archives: Marriage Sucks
All I can say is that I am putting 110% into Christmas this year and it is going to be magical!
I’ve got my groove on, my blonde locks are back, I’ve got that glow and a twinkle in my smile.
We will be celebrating Christmas in the snowy wonderland of Denver!
I’ve already starting packing, long johns, socks, snow boots, jacket, mittens, etc. etc.
Took Stella to the groomer and she and Brandi are ready to hang out with her cousins on the ranch!
The birds are chirping, the butterflies are fluttering and I just can’t wipe this grin off my face!
Just remember it is not the presents that make it special, but the laughter, the feeling of love, and the togetherness of friends and family that make Christmas special!
I looked up rebound and found that one could assume you are…
“psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship.”
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL, FOLKS!
Apparently, I just rebounded…. BOING! BOING! BOING! Another punch to the gut… I should have written that on my forehead with a sharpie.
In other words, the rebound relationship is characterized by some or all of the following:
Brief period since the breakup or first emotional relationship since the breakup – CHECK
Transference of unresolved feelings since the breakup – CHECK
Emotional vulnerability, desire to be distracted from pain, belief that one love cures the pain of another, fear of being alone – CHECK
3 out of 3, I like to win but come on!… SHEESH! Wyatt Earp was right… another punch to the gut, hmmm, let me see that is 5 to 1, Wyatt is still in the lead on the lessons of brutal honesty…
My Rebound Relationship Experience
In my own experience, I’ve just involved myself in a “transitional” relationship. In other words, I gradually learned from and distancing myself from destructive traits that my ex possessed, the men I typically attract and the familiarity that I felt in dealing with them.
Not long after I began dating after divorce, I found myself in “puppy love” with a man who could not have been MORE different than my ex. I was hungry for his attentiveness. I was blissful in his capacity for emotional intimacy. I fell hard and fast, freaked out, and then the relationship slowly dissolved – was heartbroken (thanks to my newly acquired power of numbing, my GIRL POWER is back in check). He is a great guy, everything someone would want in a partner in more ways than one ;o), but our timing was off – I’m just not ready, plain and simple.
They say “heartbreak” won’t kill you and you can and will love again after divorce, but vulnerability can certainly encourage distorted judgment. Still working on my VULNERABILITY theory…. However, I still question if one can really ever love again after divorcing someone they were initially head over heels in love with. I hear the words coming out of his mouth, but…..
Can the rebound relationship become something solid and endure? It certainly could happen, but I think one would need to take the time necessary to be sure it’s more than momentary magic or a tempting transition. So slowing down and going to take the time to see if can endure.
In other news….. thinking about becoming blonde again….
WHAT WOMEN WANT… OR THINK THEY WANT….
Ironically, I can attest that women typically always want the Bad Boy. After years of seeking out this persona I have come to learn (it only took 44 years) that Bad Boys are … not for me.
Women approach mate selection by over emphasizing false dichotomies – bad boy/asshole vs nice guy as if all men fit into one box or the other (I am just as guilty). Unfortunately the boxes we create are further from reality and the truth. With today’s media women believe Bad Boys are really the soft-hearted, loyal mates we read about in romance novels and see in movies. We make them into fictional characters upon meeting them and convince ourselves that they are really only in “Love” with us. In reality, this is so far from the truth that it hurts to even think about it.
I’ve read over and over again women want two things – good genetics and/or many resources. Women desire alpha males because they will be successful – no matter what. Good genetics in a social society is an outgoing self-confident personality. Self-confidence means focusing on goals rather than a woman. When a man is making something happen, women are incidental (I repeat, incidental). Thus, a man who finds women trivial to success (I repeat, trivial) will automatically succeed and eventually find a woman whom he will deem to be a show pony to his success. When he is not around, she can do the gardener if she wants because he is focused elsewhere. But the gardener will never provide the million dollar home, the vacations to the sunshine, or the big rock that can double for a door knob on her finger. (I can tell you that without a doubt, I am tired of being made to feel “incidental” or “trivial”)
What if women reprogrammed their methodology of mate selection? What if women turned the tables? What if women focused on their goals rather than a man? What if a women found men to be trivial to her success and upon becoming successful found a man who she deemed to be her show pony?
Women are more conscientious than to use someone to be a show pony or find them to be either incidental or trivial; it is just one of the gifts God has bestowed upon us. So now what?
FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE
It can’t always be one-sided, that would be unhealthy. You want a mate who reciprocates. A man who is genuine will to go dinner at a place that was chosen by both parties, perhaps even with some friendly banter over which restaurant is preferable. A man who is genuine will offer to pay but certainly won’t force the issue if you throw down your debit card and offer to split the check. A man who is genuine will disagree with you if he disagrees, and argue and talk and have a conversation with peaks and valleys, and intellectual stimulation, but will not make you feel like you’re being pandered to. A man who is genuine will walk you to your door, but will be content with a hug and a friendly wave goodnight. A man who is genuine will never make you feel obligated to do anything.
MOST IMPORTANTLY – NO DRAMA! NO EXCESSIVE BAGGAGE!
Try living by these eleven rules…
You can’t save anyone, so save yourself the time
Be honest with yourself
Communicate your needs and wants and be sure you know his. With this awareness, you will not be disappointed or frustrated
Manage your own emotional reactivity
Avoid being treated poorly
Be sure you are ready for a relationship and are not going into it feeling needy, desperate, hurt, angry or wounded
Pace yourself – just enjoy the present and see what happens
Let the relationship just enhance who you already are, if it doesn’t – peace out… and quick!
FIGHT FAIRLY – without one person feeling like they always have to give in. Listen, share and validate each other – Compromise….
Your relationship should be fun, loving and nurturing. A relationship that goes from one state of chaos to another is not healthy. You deserve a harmonious relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation!
Maybe it is best to wait for the man who is genuine and let him win you over.
WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT…
Life is good. I feel like I am starting to finally get into my own groove. Doing things for myself, doing things that I want to do and learning Spanish, it just doesn’t get any better than that!
Friday evening was enjoyed with great company, Wyatt Earp, my straight shooter friend did not let me down. As he strolled into the Cadillac bar, he took his seat where he could view the entire room, of course I was sitting there tap, tap, tapping on my phone and then greeted him with a lackadaisical conformist greeting of “Hey, it is good to see you”, mwa, kiss on the right cheek, mwa, kiss on the left cheek.
Our conversation was delightful with the same brutal honesty that I have come to expect. We talked about relationships and manifesto’s women whom he has dated have sent to him on what is wrong with him. While he admits to being an asshole, and of course, I concurred that yes, at times he can be, it is not the type of asshole you would typically encounter. With a name like Wyatt Earp, one would have some level or arrogance and contempt for outlaws.
“He was not an angel,” former Tombstone resident George Parsons wrote in 1928, “but his faults were minor ones, and he never killed a man who did not richly deserve it. The real Wyatt led a life that was authentically Western. He was a gambler and a saloon keeper, and he enjoyed the charms of several women. Most of all, he was as tough as men came when toughness earned respect. He was loved and hated, a man who drew strong allegiances and made devoted enemies. Wyatt Earp was a natural leader with a coterie of followers who always believed he did right. He believed it too.”
Do you think if we write manifesto’s, and I am just as guilty, we should preface a negative with at least a positive? You know like your boss does when he calls you into his office? Read on, I will answer this question when we get to Sunday.
My friend Brittany Spears just came in my office and informed me she threw a co-worker under the bus on Friday, but waited until she was about to leave for the day. That was an asshole move, and yes, she can be an asshole too.
Saturday, I had the most incredible massage. This guy worked me over, I could feel the stress balls release. I knew that I was going to pay dearly the next couple of days for this guilty pleasure and I can still feel it today.
I got home and watched 7 straight hours of NARCOS. I’m not going to lie, I am hooked! My Spanish vocabulary has increased 10-fold and I am not sure if that is good or bad. I had no idea of the mayhem and chaos happening in Columbia during the 80s and 90s. It was pure anarchy.
- Bomba, Bomba, Bomba,
- Ustedes eligen, ¿plata o plomo?
- Coma mierda. Coma. Mierda.
- el patron
- Bien o qué?
- Qué más?
- hijo de puta
- hija de puta
Pablo Escobar, in my opinion was a true follower of the Machiavellian way (the handbook for gangsters):
- States can be republics or kingdoms, old or new. The easiest to rule are old hereditary kingdoms, lands that are passed down from father to son. Basically, instead of passing along their 2001 Toyota Camry, your parents give you a kingdom. He surely was striving to rule the new kingdom!
- You’d have to be an idiot to have problems ruling one of these. Because they’re so easy to rule, they are hard to take. The best way to take old hereditary kingdoms is by killing the old monarchy. Every last one. To say the least he seemed to be successful at taking people out at every level!
- Mercenaries and auxiliaries (people you pay to fight for you) are a waste of time and dangerous, to boot. If you have a strong army, and your people love you, no one can touch you. They won’t even think about it. He earned the love of the people of Columbia and truthfully no one could touch him!
- On that topic, you need to run your army, so war needs to be on your mind all day every day. You need to be on the cutting edge of war techniques and technology. He was always consumed with stirring shit up and then negotiating, and endless cycle of entertainment for him, a way for him to feel importanto!
- You also need violence to take self-governed republics, because they will rebel if you don’t crush them. Just remember not to keep being violent. Get it over with so you can start being nice and people won’t hate you. Never let your people hate you. Lie, cheat, steal—just don’t become hated. Unfortunately this ultimately led to his demise; however, he was able to lie, cheat and steal for a long time and the people still loved him!
Sunday morning was the best! I grabbed a cup of Starbucks, I came home, watched videos of my professor talking about Leadership and Management in an office and took my final exam. Here is what I learned – high functioning employees prefer specific instruction; however, in order to get the maximum performance from them you should give high functioning employees ambiguous direction because they will always give you more than expected. Low functioning employees should be given specific instruction; however, they prefer ambiguous direction. In my learning process my eyes are continually forced wide open. Is this manipulation? Are our managers really assholes learning the system to get unknowing and unsuspecting employees to do their work?
I also learned, what I’ve already known, that shit rolls downhill. No matter the situation, the lowest guy on the totem pole will always take it up the ass. If you look at the Exxon Valdez oil spill, the CEO said he would take responsibility. Then the focus flowed down to the captain of the ship who was sleeping off an alcohol bender. The captain turned the ship over to an unlicensed mate who was tasked with piloting the ship and ultimately paid the price for the spill. When we delegate responsibility as an authority are we still ultimately responsible? The more distance executives are to a situation the less likely they are culpable for any wrong doing. Just look at Lou Pai, he was actually one of the Smartest Men in the Room.
Funny, Machiavelli reared his ugly head again in my weekend, in fact, he was a realist who understood the limits and uses of power. He believed that leaders should always mask their true intentions, avoid inconsistency, and “frequently act against mercy, against faith, against humanity, against frankness, against religion, in order to preserve the state.” But what does that really mean? If you study management theory in conjunction with political theory, you will begin to realize that you are studying the same subject. I encourage you to re-read my bullet points above – you may see a disturbing correlation.
Which brings me back to Friday, aren’t we all really just assholes in some form or fashion? It might just be the level of assholedness that one possesses, but ultimately do we really think like Machiavelli to some degree?
My son told me long ago and still tells me today, that I am the coolest mom ever. Even his friends enjoy hanging out with me and sometimes he is awed by the fact that I really am pretty damn laid back (his words not mine).
I’ve often been told that I am a really cool chick, never really taking into account what that meant, other than I really just try to keep things real.
I mean, I am who I am, take it or leave it, I really don’t care. I think age plays a big part in in too.
This past weekend, I hung out with a friend of mine, Ricky (alias), and he even commented on what a “Cool Chick” I am. Even took the time to write it on a cocktail napkin.
Well as Wyatt Earp so eloquently put it “You are pieces left behind from someone who hurt you” and thanks to Ricky (alias), who made me take pause…. I believe I just may have found a piece! I used to be a really cool chick! Wait! I still am a really cool chick! Get the superglue out, let’s starting putting this girl back together!
It got me thinking so I did a little research and I would say that about sums it up:
She owns more than one pair of chucks.
Cool Chicks don’t have the hang-ups of normal girls: They don’t get bogged down by the patriarchy, or worrying about their weight.
They’re basically dudes masquerading in women’s bodies, reaping the privileges of both.
The Cool Chick has many variations: She can have tattoos, she can be into comics, coloring books, she might be really into climbing, hiking or pickling vegetables. She’s always down to hang out, or do something spontaneous like drive all night to go to a secret concert. Her body, skin, face, and hair all look effortless and natural — and wears a uniform of jeans, tank tops and tee’s, because trying hard isn’t Cool. The Cool Chick has a super-sexy ponytail or a sassy pixie cut.
The Cool Chick never nags, or “just wants one” of your chili fries, because she orders a giant order for herself. She’s an ideal that matches the times — a mix of feminism and passivity, of confidence and femininity.
She definitely knows what she wants.
And it’s an image that keeps amplifying: She may have shed her tomboy pastimes, but she still loves fries, pizza, and Doritos. She photobombs like a boss.
She hates liars and promises to punch anyone who lies like a boss to her face.
Girls love her, guys desire her.
NEXT WEEKEND – HANGING OUT WITH THE GIRLS!
WOW, very profound, a punch to the gut. Not something you want to hear on a Sunday morning.
Not something I ever want to hear again.
It is not a matter of what I can do to make myself whole again….
IT IS A MATTER OF INNER STRENGTH, PERSEVERANCE and LIVING THROUGH GOD!
Taming the dragon and riding again!