Category Archives: Relationships suck
Mr. The One
How to spot him: This is the one that makes you stop seeing all the others you’ve encountered to date. He makes you forget all the others who have you shaking your head. He’s the one who finally makes sense after all the insanity you’ve endured as a dating divorcée.
Why you should go for it: He loves you unconditionally, suits you in the ways that matter, fits you – with your eyes wide open, and makes you wonder why you’ve wasted time dating any of the others! It may take months to find him or it may take years. Even his baggage seems to complement yours – a matching set, for better or worse. So if you’re lucky enough to find Mr. The One, hang on tight – there is likely only one of him!
How to spot him: He puts family first, always. He’s a selfless man, who lives to please those he cares most about. He’s the kind of man who can work two jobs in his sleep, always has a side-hustle in mind to earn more money, and guards his savings with his life. He can’t rest until he knows the ones he loves are okay. He strives for perfection at home and in the office. Work-life balance is very important to him, but if missing time with his loved ones means a better life for them, he’s always game to put in the overtime and take one for the team. Words like “no,” “can’t,” and “impossible,” are just not in his vocabulary, and when he hears others use them, it only increases his devotion to the task at hand.
Why you should go for it: Marriage is the start of a new family — your family. You will both want to provide for the family you create together, and it’s imperative that you are partners with the same goals in mind. That said, there will be times when one person just cannot do as much as the marriage (or family) requires — such is life. Marrying a natural-born provider will be a huge plus when the scales in your marriage tip, as they inevitably will at different points along your path.
How to spot him: At your weakest moments, his strength keeps you stable and inspires you to push through. He isn’t immune to pain or frustration, but he does handle it well, and he knows how to pull himself out of low places. He’s the kind of man who never misses your call when he knows you need to get something off your chest, or better, just a friend to be there for you. Speaking of chests, his is always there for you to lean on, squeeze, and find comfort in when it feels like only a hug will do.
Why you should go for it: He’s loyal, devoted, and a true pillar in the world of the woman he loves. This is the perfect recipe for a loving husband that you can count on through thick and thin; what woman doesn’t dream of marrying one of these?
Mr. Critical Thinker
How to spot him: There isn’t a problem, big or small, that he isn’t itching to solve. He’s a quick, solid, thinker, who hates to be backed into a corner. He doesn’t just see the problem in front of him; he sees a road map of the many solutions available to him and takes his time as he determines the best way to get there, or the course of action he must take. He is patient, because he has to be — rushing things is rarely the answer and he knows this. He’s diligent, focused, and considers himself a mental Olympian of sorts.
Why you should go for it: Marriage is truly beautiful, but it comes with its share of problems, and its rough patches. Happier times aren’t always just around the bend — getting there may require a detailed plan and thinking smarter, not harder. He will make a great team player during the moments where the only way to win is to work together, and trust me, those moments can and will arise in marriage.
How to spot him: When the world around him comes crumbling down and the sun seems as if it will never rise again, this man still believes — his faith is his foundation. It gets him through the good and the bad, and it never falters. He believes in the things unseen and those that many give up on when the world turns cold: hope, morals, kindness, and good will. He has a church home, or a religious mainstay in his life and the fellowship refuels his engines. He’s God-fearing (whoever his God) and he’s proud of his strong beliefs. His moral compass is always turned in a positive direction, and he refuses to accept failure. He helps others and chooses to live his life in a way he believes others should live theirs.
Why you should go for it: This man has the emotional tools needed in his toolbox to repair many of the cracks and dents that will inevitably appear in any marriage. He’s a fighter, and he will fight with you and for your marriage. He won’t give up, even when you do.
Mr. Free Spirit
How to spot him: Spending time with this man never gets old. He believes that life is about living and therefore is virtually immune to the physical afflictions caused by stress and worry. It’s not that he doesn’t feel those emotions; he just refuses to let them consume him. He stays positive and seeks to enjoy all aspects of his life, as much as humanly possible. He has most likely chosen a career he loves over one that pays all the bills. Therefore he’s just as passionate about his work as he can be about feeding his cravings for new adventures. He enjoys traveling and most likely has a bucket list at least a quarter complete. He doesn’t believe in wasting time worrying about what can’t happen and prefers to shift his focus to what can. With him, there’s never a dull moment at home, in the bedroom, or when you’re out and about. His inner light shines through and warms the spirits of those around him. He keeps life exciting — almost as if, each day he presses the refresh button.
Why you should go for it: Spending the rest of your life with the same person, doing many of the same things can be as boring or as exciting as you make it. Marrying this man ensures that one pitfall your marriage won’t ever fall into is that of pure and utter boredom. It sounds simple, but it’s so important.
Mr. Bitter Angry Dude
How to spot him: You can tell them right off the bat though, because even on the first phone call they’ll nastily correct you about weird stuff or start an argument about the most innocuous of topics. A conversation with them might go something like, You: “So, how do you like your job?” Him: “My job? Why would you ask about that? I thought we were trying to get to know each other personally. I don’t want to talk about my job!” Yeah, run.
Why he’s tempting: It’s not – unless you are a lawyer.
Why you should steer clear: I don’t know if it’s that guys this age have seen a lot of relationship disappointment that has made them bitter and angry, or if their bitter/angry vibe is what makes women run from them to the point where they are still single at 40.
How to spot him: This is the 40-something man-child who still doesn’t know how to make plans in advance and can’t stick to any type of schedule. He’s the guy who says he will call you Monday night and then doesn’t. A week later, he emails you, “Hey, what are you up to?” You explain that he never called, so why is he asking? He apologizes and says he will call you that night. He doesn’t. A week later, he emails again, saying, “Hey, want to meet up?” You explain that you still haven’t spoken yet. He says — well, you can guess. It goes on like this into infinity.
Why he’s tempting: Only he is damn good looking.
Why you should steer clear: Infinity, it is worth mentioning again.
Mr. One Who is Still Married
How to spot him: He will say that his divorce is about to be final and has been separated for a long time.
Why he’s tempting: Because you want to scoop up this prized possession before anyone else can get to him.
Why you should steer clear: And if they say they’re “separated” or “in the process of getting divorced,” stay far away. Newbie divorcees are NEEDY.
Mr. Total Package
How to spot him: He has one hell of a career going and went to a top college. He is an athlete, a musician, and an avid traveler. He is handsome—and you better believe he’s well-groomed.
Why he’s tempting: There’s just one thing he seems to be having a hard time finding—a girl worthy of his greatness. Could that be you?
Why you should steer clear: Yes, the woman fit for him will be the ultimate icing on his cake of perfection. He imagines her often—gorgeous as they come, she turns heads; bursting with charm and charisma, she lights up every room she enters; she’s a brilliant rising star in her career and beloved by her many friends. And that’s just her public persona—at home, she’s fantastic in bed, a spectacular cook, loving, selfless, and devoted. Oh and she also speaks French, plays tennis, sings beautifully, reads voraciously and she’s a history buff. His Juliet.
Unsurprisingly, he is single. He’s immersed in a fierce battle between his superhuman standards and his terror of being 40 and single—because 40 and single is not supposed to be part of his story.
Mr. One with the Psycho Ex
How to spot him: No matter how nice he is, if your his ex-wife inserts herself into your relationship, you’ve got big trouble.
Why he’s tempting: The key to navigating this scenario is to observe how your man acts when his ex’s unacceptable behavior occurs. If he takes a strong stand and takes steps to put a stop to the behavior, you may have hope.
Why you should steer clear: The psycho ex may stalk you, harass you, or involve his kids in sabotaging your romance. Often, she’s still in love with this guy and perceives you as a threat, trying to steal him back though they’ve been divorced for years. If he throws up his hands in surrender, and lets it all continue – face it, you’re doomed. There is no reason you should have to endure a meddling, intrusive ex-wife.
How to spot him: He’s the unusually friendly guy who makes effortless chit-chat, has expensive shoes and a good haircut—and is always ducking outside to talk on his cell.
Why he’s tempting: You know how in tennis when you play with a great player, you don’t suck as much as when you play with a beginner? Same applies here. If your date is a smooth operator who’s never at a loss for words, you’ll feel more relaxed, witty, and confident.
Why you should steer clear: Slick guys love dating. But they are less fond of relationships. If your pro dater has had a ton of 5-minute partnerships, doesn’t open up, or shies away from discussing personal details, he probably won’t commit.
How to spot him: He’ll tell you within the first ten seconds that his wife ran off with her trainer. Or drained his bank account. Or both. And he can’t wait to hear all the ugly details of your divorce.
Why he’s tempting: You have a common enemy: The ex. And a heated trash-your-ex fest can get you all hot and bothered—in a good way.
Why you should steer clear: If he’s still raging about how she did him wrong, he’s got, ahem, some issues to sort out. A lot of the divorced men I meet are eager to have dump on your ex sessions. But I steer clear of anyone who is harboring that much hostility toward their ex, because they obviously aren’t ready for a new relationship.
How to spot him: He’ll nonchalantly works her into conversations: “My ex thinks I should buzz my hair,” “When my ex and I were having lattes yesterday…”
Why he’s tempting: He sounds so enlightened! You think you’ve stumbled upon the most forgiving guy in America.
Why you should steer clear: Staying friendly after a breakup is a good thing, sure. But if his former wife still occupies the role of trusted advisor — Condoleezza to his George W. — beware. This is a guy who’s still in love, plotting a comeback, or at least hoping for the possibility of breakup sex. Take a Pass on this one.
How to spot him: When he hears you were married, he jokes, “Did he hurt you? Just say the word, and I’ll get the guy.”
Why he’s tempting: Jealousy can be flattering as he wants you all to himself, which can be flattering and an ego booster.
Why you should steer clear: Intense jealousy is often a sign of emotional instability. Controlling people are usually very smooth at first but after they charm you into bonding to them, the control can turn very unpleasant, and even lead to stalking or abuse. So consider yourself warned!
By the time you get into your 40s, if you have the misfortune to find yourself in the dating pool, let me just tell you: It’s a shit show. Sorry, maybe that was too harsh. I’ll tone it down a bit. It’s like being thrown in a serial killer’s basement. Seriously, it is that bad.
This is a 3 part series to help you navigate your way through the world of dating after 40, the good, the bad and the ugly.
How to spot him: This is the 40-something guy who has totally adjusted to living alone. Which is great. He’s probably very happy.
Why he’s tempting: He wants to meet a woman and the last time you checked – welp, you fit the criteria.
Why you should steer clear: He doesn’t want to change his life or schedule one iota for you. This is the guy who will say something early on like, “I have tennis on Wednesday, squash on Thursday, I’m camping all weekend, I need to spend Monday and Tuesday writing my novel, I walk my dog from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. and I like to get to bed early. So can you meet for 20 minutes at 8:30 p.m. on Tuesday in three weeks? Oh, and can you come to my neighborhood?”
Mr. Guy Who Just Wants To Have Fun
How to spot him: At this point in your life, if you come across men who have never married or are divorced and want to stay that way, chances are that they’re “confirmed bachelors” who are just looking to have some fun.
Why he’s tempting: If that’s your goal too, then this type of guy is your perfect match. However, if you’re looking for something with a future, you need to put your cards on the table early and gauge his reaction.
Why you should steer clear: If you think you can get him to fall in love with you and that he will change his mind, you may be sadly disappointed and will have wasted precious time. Or, you could be the woman who brings about his 360. Either way, it’s like playing a table in Vegas— May the odds be ever in your favor!
Mr. Much Older Man
How to spot him: The grey hair is a dead giveaway.
Why he’s tempting: You may be tired of dating guys your own age and looking for a more mature man—a man who may be ten or more years older than you. This kind of older man, with a father-figure persona, will most likely treat you like a queen. Chivalry isn’t dead with this kind of man and he’ll tell you everything you want to hear.
Why you should steer clear: Many people who have married older men are extremely content in this type of relationship. Some may think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but others may quickly realize that they’ll soon be his nurse taking care of him in his declining years. Before you jump to this decision, remember that the age gap becomes more of an issue the older you get and be sure that he’s what you really want.
Mr. One seeking a Mom for his kids (and not much else)
How to spot him: This one strategically includes heartwarming photos of his kids on his online dating profile. It’s almost as if he uses his unsuspecting offspring as the bait to reel nurturing would-be mothers into his plan. He’s a bit rarer than other types, but easy to spot with full or primary custody of his children.
Why he’s tempting: If he’s an awesome dad and you get along great with his children, it’s very easy to fall for the whole package too soon. This makes it difficult to focus on knowing whether your relationship with him has the right foundation for a healthy and loving future together. It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of an instant family and kids, but remember that you’re not just taking on one person; you’re taking on the whole crew. And sometimes that crew involves ex-wives, ex in-laws, and a whole host of shared friends and family members who will become part of your life too. This can be a wonderful thing, but it’s a serious commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. Be sure you’re both marrying each other for the right reasons.
Why you should steer clear: He may even initially act as if his search is all about you. But it’s not. It’s about him. He’s stressed about being a single Dad and it’s eroding his golf game and severely cutting into his hunting time. This man has already been through it all but is still looking to get married quickly so he’ll have a mother figure, nannie, or housekeeper to help him with his kids.
Mr. One who won’t commit… to anything… ever
How to spot him: This one is self-explanatory. He’s a playboy, a barfly, and is easy to identify. He often dates much younger women. He may have even been married more than once already. The good news is that he is so committed to being non-committal that he will even tell you up front that he isn’t looking for anything serious. Words of advice: he means it!
Why he’s tempting: Yet even with explicit warnings straight from the horse’s mouth, as women, we tend to hear what we want to hear. When he says “I don’t want a serious relationship,” we hear “I don’t want a serious relationship… until I find the right one…which could be you.”
Why you should steer clear: But you can never be The Right One for this guy, so get out while you can or prepare to have your heart broken.
Mr. Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch
How to spot him: On the other side of the coin, after losing some weight, getting decent clothes, and having early career success, The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch is getting more attention each week than he got in his first 25 years combined.
Why he’s tempting: Girls find it endearing that such an appealing guy has managed to maintain his humility, when it’s actually just that he’s assuming every girl is out of his league at all times.
Why you should steer clear: Once his new situation starts to sink in, he enters an unfortunate new phase, stressing his male friends out by doing things like winking at them over the shoulder of a girl he’s dancing with and offering them a fist pound when an attractive girl walks by on the street.
Life is full of ups, downs and all arounds. Thinking of ways to soothe our soul and calm ourselves are things we are not so good at. We would rather be stressed out, freaked out, on edge or going ninety to nothin’. Here is a list of top ten ways to feel better:
Find a piece of cardboard, stand by an intersection and solicit your fellow drivers for things you want, such as candy, hugs, a date or whatever suits your fancy!
Purchase a pill organizer and load up your favorite treats, be sure to pull it out in front of your co-workers, as it will surely give them something to talk about.
Go to the local zoo or anyplace that offers train rides.
Make sure you sit next to the person who looks like they are having the worst day and then give them something to laugh about.
Be sure to include them in #7, #6, #5, #4 & #3
Find a group of strangers and make friends, see if you can find one who will be attached to you at the hip for some fun and shenanigans!
Pull out your camera and get creative with your new found friends!
Don’t be shy! Get to fingering painting! You all will enjoy basking in the glow of your new designer duds!
Be sure to go to your local fountain to wash off, it will provide entertainment not just for you and your new friends,
but also all the innocent bystanders!
See how many people you all can get together to make a giant circle massage in your local park!
Be sure to do this close to a patch of mud (see #3).
Quietly sneak over to a fresh patch of mud and start slingin’!
Then get ready for some pig squeelin’, hog sloppin’, dirty fun!
Let the games begin!
For real peace, quiet and calmness pet something furry!
Whether it be a wall, fuzzy cat or a squishy panda, just fluff yourself all over it and make cuddles!
AND THE #1 THINGS TO DO TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER:
Take Your Damn Pants Off – You’ll Feel Much Better!
All I can say is that I am putting 110% into Christmas this year and it is going to be magical!
I’ve got my groove on, my blonde locks are back, I’ve got that glow and a twinkle in my smile.
We will be celebrating Christmas in the snowy wonderland of Denver!
I’ve already starting packing, long johns, socks, snow boots, jacket, mittens, etc. etc.
Took Stella to the groomer and she and Brandi are ready to hang out with her cousins on the ranch!
The birds are chirping, the butterflies are fluttering and I just can’t wipe this grin off my face!
Just remember it is not the presents that make it special, but the laughter, the feeling of love, and the togetherness of friends and family that make Christmas special!
I looked up rebound and found that one could assume you are…
“psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship.”
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL, FOLKS!
Apparently, I just rebounded…. BOING! BOING! BOING! Another punch to the gut… I should have written that on my forehead with a sharpie.
In other words, the rebound relationship is characterized by some or all of the following:
Brief period since the breakup or first emotional relationship since the breakup – CHECK
Transference of unresolved feelings since the breakup – CHECK
Emotional vulnerability, desire to be distracted from pain, belief that one love cures the pain of another, fear of being alone – CHECK
3 out of 3, I like to win but come on!… SHEESH! Wyatt Earp was right… another punch to the gut, hmmm, let me see that is 5 to 1, Wyatt is still in the lead on the lessons of brutal honesty…
My Rebound Relationship Experience
In my own experience, I’ve just involved myself in a “transitional” relationship. In other words, I gradually learned from and distancing myself from destructive traits that my ex possessed, the men I typically attract and the familiarity that I felt in dealing with them.
Not long after I began dating after divorce, I found myself in “puppy love” with a man who could not have been MORE different than my ex. I was hungry for his attentiveness. I was blissful in his capacity for emotional intimacy. I fell hard and fast, freaked out, and then the relationship slowly dissolved – was heartbroken (thanks to my newly acquired power of numbing, my GIRL POWER is back in check). He is a great guy, everything someone would want in a partner in more ways than one ;o), but our timing was off – I’m just not ready, plain and simple.
They say “heartbreak” won’t kill you and you can and will love again after divorce, but vulnerability can certainly encourage distorted judgment. Still working on my VULNERABILITY theory…. However, I still question if one can really ever love again after divorcing someone they were initially head over heels in love with. I hear the words coming out of his mouth, but…..
Can the rebound relationship become something solid and endure? It certainly could happen, but I think one would need to take the time necessary to be sure it’s more than momentary magic or a tempting transition. So slowing down and going to take the time to see if can endure.
In other news….. thinking about becoming blonde again….
WHAT WOMEN WANT… OR THINK THEY WANT….
Ironically, I can attest that women typically always want the Bad Boy. After years of seeking out this persona I have come to learn (it only took 44 years) that Bad Boys are … not for me.
Women approach mate selection by over emphasizing false dichotomies – bad boy/asshole vs nice guy as if all men fit into one box or the other (I am just as guilty). Unfortunately the boxes we create are further from reality and the truth. With today’s media women believe Bad Boys are really the soft-hearted, loyal mates we read about in romance novels and see in movies. We make them into fictional characters upon meeting them and convince ourselves that they are really only in “Love” with us. In reality, this is so far from the truth that it hurts to even think about it.
I’ve read over and over again women want two things – good genetics and/or many resources. Women desire alpha males because they will be successful – no matter what. Good genetics in a social society is an outgoing self-confident personality. Self-confidence means focusing on goals rather than a woman. When a man is making something happen, women are incidental (I repeat, incidental). Thus, a man who finds women trivial to success (I repeat, trivial) will automatically succeed and eventually find a woman whom he will deem to be a show pony to his success. When he is not around, she can do the gardener if she wants because he is focused elsewhere. But the gardener will never provide the million dollar home, the vacations to the sunshine, or the big rock that can double for a door knob on her finger. (I can tell you that without a doubt, I am tired of being made to feel “incidental” or “trivial”)
What if women reprogrammed their methodology of mate selection? What if women turned the tables? What if women focused on their goals rather than a man? What if a women found men to be trivial to her success and upon becoming successful found a man who she deemed to be her show pony?
Women are more conscientious than to use someone to be a show pony or find them to be either incidental or trivial; it is just one of the gifts God has bestowed upon us. So now what?
FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE
It can’t always be one-sided, that would be unhealthy. You want a mate who reciprocates. A man who is genuine will to go dinner at a place that was chosen by both parties, perhaps even with some friendly banter over which restaurant is preferable. A man who is genuine will offer to pay but certainly won’t force the issue if you throw down your debit card and offer to split the check. A man who is genuine will disagree with you if he disagrees, and argue and talk and have a conversation with peaks and valleys, and intellectual stimulation, but will not make you feel like you’re being pandered to. A man who is genuine will walk you to your door, but will be content with a hug and a friendly wave goodnight. A man who is genuine will never make you feel obligated to do anything.
MOST IMPORTANTLY – NO DRAMA! NO EXCESSIVE BAGGAGE!
Try living by these eleven rules…
You can’t save anyone, so save yourself the time
Be honest with yourself
Communicate your needs and wants and be sure you know his. With this awareness, you will not be disappointed or frustrated
Manage your own emotional reactivity
Avoid being treated poorly
Be sure you are ready for a relationship and are not going into it feeling needy, desperate, hurt, angry or wounded
Pace yourself – just enjoy the present and see what happens
Let the relationship just enhance who you already are, if it doesn’t – peace out… and quick!
FIGHT FAIRLY – without one person feeling like they always have to give in. Listen, share and validate each other – Compromise….
Your relationship should be fun, loving and nurturing. A relationship that goes from one state of chaos to another is not healthy. You deserve a harmonious relationship based on mutual respect and appreciation!
Maybe it is best to wait for the man who is genuine and let him win you over.
WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT…