Monthly Archives: June 2014

Pandora’s Box of Practical Jokes

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One should always proceed with EXTREME caution when opening this particular box, especially when it comes to me. Even suggesting to take a peek will blow that box wide open, I assure you, there is no closing it and it will suck you in!

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My sweet, sweet dear Lover decided to take a peek and blew the box wide open. I don’t think he realized when he casually joked about showing up at my office in a flight suit, that he flipped the switch and it is ON like Donkey Kong.

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We have made plans to spend the evening together in the very near future, so I “casually” asked him if he had any Sharpie’s and their location in his home.

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At first he was very helpful in telling me their exact location, in fact, it was such great detail, I couldn’t help but giggle.

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I think he had an epiphany, because he paused in mid-sentence, had an “oh shit” moment, corrected himself and stated that he only had Crayola washable markers. Mu ha ha ha ha ;o)

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One particular practical joke that makes me bend over laughing to this day is one that I played on my ex-husband, Chris. At the time we were only dating and he had come over to my parents house to hang out. I was feeling a little hungry so I was digging through my mom’s pantry and came across a box of Metamucil Cookies. ****WIDE GRIN****

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I opened a few of packages of cookies and placed them neatly on a plate, poured a glass of milk and cheerfully brought them into the living room and presented them to Chris explaining that my mother had tried a new cookie recipe and she wondered if he would try them.

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He was ALL too happy to help, finishing off the entire plate.

****CHESSHIRE CAT GRIN****

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For those of you that know me, my ability to self-contain and maintain my composure is almost impossible. He couldn’t help but ask me why I could not stop smiling – which exacerbated my expression into full blown laughter.

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Needless to say, my mother came into the room and sat down. Chris proceeded to tell her how good her cookies were and she looked confused.

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The more he tried to explain that he really enjoyed the cookies she made, the more her face looked more and more perplexed. Yes, folks – the “OH SHIT” moment appeared on his face.

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I had to cross my legs because I was laughing so hard that I was literally peeing my pants. He got up, walked into the kitchen, saw the wrappers and screamed “IT IS ON MISSY!” and let’s just say those cookies kicked in about midnight….

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The moral of this story, “be afraid, be very afraid!”

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Oh and Lover, I will pack my own Sharpie….

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ADVICE: LESS SLURPEES, MORE CONDOMS

Sweet Jesus! No doubt! They should just give those suckers away for free!

Vegan Spinster

SHE NEEDS CONDOMS, NOT A SLURPEE

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My Kind of Soulmate

Yes Ma’Am…. we do… and we should not settle for anything less….. The divorce rate would certainly go down if everyone did.

The Fickle Heartbeat

A wonderful feature post by Single Strides. Please enjoy!

My Kind of Soulmate

Everyone wants to believe in their one true love. They want to believe in love’s true kiss, the chill-you-to-your-bones first look when you fall in love, and the earth-shattering moment you’ve found the person you can’t live without. You want to imagine the day when nothing else matters but the hand you’re holding, the eyes that watch you fall asleep and the smile that wakes you in the morning.

Everyone wants to believe in finding their soulmate. The person that fits you so completely, you’re not sure how you survived so long without them. The person that finishes your thought even before you have, and pushes you to reach even higher than your dreams. Everyone wants to wait for the person that fills you with so much joy that you forget what sorrow is. The person that you always…

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A SUNDAY STROLL WITH THE KIDS

Me too!

Vegan Spinster

A SUNDAY STROLL WITH THE KIDS

Obviously, Africa’s on my bucket list, especially Botswana.

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Pièce de résistance

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That sick feeling, the butterfly stomach, the rubbery legs, the diminished mental capacity. What’s my middle name? Uh…? And yes, a feeling of being paralyzed, like some kind of speared fish, floating helplessly after a powerful sedative (wait, could this be what Cupid’s arrow is like?).

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All those paralyzing sensations – it’s called FEAR. Cause when you fall in the BIG “L” – you wonder if it is Lust or the real deal. “L”, the realization and trying to grasp the concept that you have never felt this way in your entire life – you can finally BREATHE, it is FREEING, LAUGHTER is genuine, TOUCH becomes affection, you regain your INNOCENCE, you find yourself doing things for one another because it feels RIGHT, sex becomes passionate UNITY the ultimate BOND –

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—-then you realize just how far you’ll fall if things go terribly wrong. And it’s a terrifyingly long way. Suddenly, you’re Wile E. Coyote in the old Road Runner cartoons, the one who runs off the edge of a cliff into thin air, and everything is fine – that is, until he looks down, at which point, he plummets to the earth, and hits in an annihilating plump of dust.

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Yes, your mind tells you that you can’t stay up there forever in this complete and total bliss. It has to change. The laws of gravity demand it, right? Well I won’t give in to gravity, I hope it will not CHANGE, but EVOLVE — I WILL float on the clouds, keep my hand extended and ask that you join me.

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The Pièce de résistance, “what are you gonna say when I look at you and tell you that you’re the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and that I am completely in love with you….. because I can tell you right now that I know that’s where this is headed, I’m trying to fight it, but it’s just a matter of time.”

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Stuck in a Meeting?

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Blonde vs. Blow Hard Butthead (BHB)

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(It is important to note, that if you know me, then you know my voice, for those of you who don’t know me, my voice sounds a lot like Melanie Griffiths)

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So yesterday I made my way through the rain, getting my feets wet for training on software called Performance Logic (aka – simplistic database with a fancy schmancy GUI interface). As I waited for my analyst to accompany me to meet with the Mr. Butthead I smiled politely, just as my mother taught me, “Be kind, courteous and respectful.” Mu ha ha ha ha….

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We chatted for a moment and then Mr. Butthead came in sat down, apologized for his tardiness, due to an important telephone call. He assumed I was there to provide him information and I had to sadly inform him I was there for training. I sweetly explained what my role was and the expectations of my boss lady.

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He looked at me for a moment, then informed me that Performance Logic was a very complex system and it would most likely be difficult for me to understand (why? because I am blonde and have a vagina?). He then proceeded to tell me it would be a waste of his time, as well as mine if he tried to explain but would bestow upon me a brief overview. My eyebrow raised and a big smile came across my face (those of you who know me, would be saying “oh, shit – take cover”).

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The young analyst gave me an apologetic look and I winked at him. Mu ha ha ha ha ha…. I have found that in these types of situations it is always best to remain calm, soft spoken and direct (all while smiling coyly, slightly averting your eyes and bowing your head ever so slightly).

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He proceed to explain the “functionality” of Performance Logic. And I proceeded to rapid fire technical questions:

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  1. So this system tracks the federal funds sanctioned for ongoing projects?
  2. This software will “store” all this information?
  3. Is there a way to save a data queue with some entries in it and then restore the data queue in the same or other library with its entries included?
  4. Does it have a cross-reference file that will give the same information about triggers for dependent files and constraints?
  5. Since this system is cloud-based once the data is entered does it interface with the federal system to pull the data across?
  6. So essentially, just by entering the data, the software will spit out charts, graphs, reports and be a repository? Or does it actually analyze the data?
  7. Etc.

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He seemed to get a bit flustered, my questions were becoming more probing, just trying to widdle it down to what, in fact, this crapoloa piece of software really was. (Thank you ex-husband for 15 years of teaching me about the nitty gritty of your job as a software architect).

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I gently nudged him toward the final conclusion, “Well, Mr. Butthead, is there anything more to your software or is that about it? Because your system seems more like a conventional relational database with a pretty GUI interface (yes, I said pretty….) rather than a powerhouse data warehouse designed with advanced capabilities of interfacing with high functioning intricate systems?  Does that sum it up? ”

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He pretty much got duck lipped, turned red and my analyst tried to hold back, but let out a little chuckle. I thanked Mr. Butthead for his time, shook his hand ever so slightly, but with just enough twist to show my feminine dominance.  Pfffffffffttt!

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I only submit to those who have my loyalty and respect.

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Truer Words Were Never Spoken….

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I’D TOTALLY DO THIS

Vegan Spinster

I'D TOTALLY DO THIS

…if Leslie was with me.

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Einstein – Nietsnie

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Some days you just have to cut loose and roll with it.  Make your own path, make your mayhem and just have a good laugh about it – that’s what Einstein would have done!

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People more often than not associate Albert Einstein with physics; however, he was also a great philosopher too, as are many other scientists – Plato, Hippocrates, or Archimedes.

Albert Einstein Funny Quotes

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“Intellectuals solve problem, geniuses prevent them.”

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“An empty stomach is not a good political adviser.”

Calvin%20and%20Hobbs%20Comic“If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”

Albert Einstein Quotes on Life

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“I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”

257e007195191dcee648b2d15150d02b “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

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“There are two ways to live your life – one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle.”

Albert Einstein Quotes on Religion and God

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“Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”

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“God is subtle but he is not malicious.”

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 “God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.”

 Albert Einstein Quotes on Love

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“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

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“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”

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“No, this trick won’t work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”

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