Category Archives: My Life Over 40
Positive Quote Of The Day ~ July 18th
So true
“When you delete the unnecessary people from your life, good things will start happening for you and it won’t be coincidence.”
Have a blessed day all. ❤
Peeing Your Pants is Cool!
So let’s say you go into a store with the sole purpose to purchase a personal product with your, ummm, hypothetically of course, “friend”. As you mosey down the aisle you begin to notice many other products around the one you are looking for. All the sudden your “friend” starts giggling…. pointing things out… and giving snippets of commentary…. Which turns into full blown laughter.
His laughter is so contagious, that I am laughing so hard that I am crying, my legs are crossing, I’m bending over and I am praying to God to NOT let me pee my pants. I scoot over to another aisle in hopes to pull myself together.
My “friend” delightfully follows me giving me a detailed interpretation of the many uses for the various products we pass by, such a Depends=Space Diapers, Preparation H=Wrinkle Cream, and etc. Of course we end up in the Digestive Health section with a plethora of butt creams, suppositories, diarrhea and anti-farting medicines, which, by this point – crossing my legs is now useless.
Then my “friend” takes even more delight in abandoning me in said aisle while I pee my pants. Yes folks! I peed my pants whilst he ran 6 aisles away from me (actually running like he stole something – I could only see the back of his head bobbing up and down over the aisles), leaving me there to stare at a very large bottle of Miralax that he handed me before he peace’d out.
Holding my head up high, I was finally able to pull myself together. I noticed there was only one person at the register so I believed I could make a b-line, check out quickly and escape further humiliation. However; as I approached the register, my “friend” popped out of nowhere – egging the situation on even further. I turned and my only solace was a giant M&M character smiling at me, so I grabbed him for dear life and buried my face in his little peanut hands trying to salvage what little dignity I had left.
I slowly rose and sauntered over to the register, the woman checking out in front of me, needed some kind of price check and I was forced to stand there, looking at the ceiling, refusing to make eye contact with my “friend”. At that point it seemed like every shopper in the store decided it was time to check out and they all stacked up behind me.
The laughter again reared its ugly head with a big “OH SHIT” moment as I handed the check-out lady my “1” product. She smiled and told me to have a “GREAT evening”.
What Happens When You Can’t Define Love?
What happens when you can’t define Love, because what you thought was Love, might not have really been love at all? Maybe all along you had no real baseline. Maybe the social norms of society made us conform and settle.
What happens when you meet someone and you can’t put the feelings into words – ? The feelings are so strong, that you may have discovered something new about yourself and have a higher understanding of the powers beyond your control.
Do things happen for a reason? As humans we create micro and macro taxonomies; creating, evaluating, analyzing, applying, understanding, remembering, categorizing, labeling, shuffling, relabeling, etc. Why can’t we just accept that there are things beyond our control and we have been given a gift. We should accept it and move forward.
Instead of asking why, who, what, where, etc. just “Let Love and Let God.”
Fatigue
Well, since Thursday my sleep pattern has been up and down. Last night at 2AM, my body decided it was time for me to get up and not go back to sleep. Sitting at work I am starting to go crossed-eyed, we’ve all been to this point where we are exhausted, we haven’t been sleeping, our body aches, stressed out, and all of a sudden… everything is funny. Yes, folks I have a case of the Simples today.
But Why?
Fight or Flight
There are times when my anxiety gets the best of me and I want to get my kiks on and bolt. My body is basically telling me “fuck this shit”, “peace out”, “deuces”. Example: at the onset of my parents having a disagreement, I am already tying up the laces of my kiks.
The fight in me I refer to as my Inner Goddess. She cusses like a sailor, spits like a cowboy and can brandish a sword like no one’s business. She doesn’t take no for an answer and is fierce when defending her peeps.
Inappropriate Laughter
I am notorious for laughing inappropriately. In this particular situation, God help anyone who brings me into a situation which requires focus and an intellectual exchange. There is no way in hell I will be able to hold it together – and I am sure a random drug test would be on order.
All in all – I will not be running with scissors today.
What am I grateful fo? (Yes, I meant to say fo)
I am grateful to know that they make sling shot shoes, you never know when you are going to get into a water balloon fight, and need to be able to get a little distance.
I am grateful for kittens, because they are so damn cute!
I am grateful for old people, who say what they mean.
I am grateful for bad mother fuckers.
I am REALLY grateful for coffee and the sweet stuff!
I am grateful that I have a big ROAR – rrrraaawwrrrr.
I am grateful for ice cream.
I am grateful for flexibility.
I am grateful to all my friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin.
I am grateful that cops are so helpful!
I am especially grateful that I have now taken off…..
Pandora’s Box of Practical Jokes
One should always proceed with EXTREME caution when opening this particular box, especially when it comes to me. Even suggesting to take a peek will blow that box wide open, I assure you, there is no closing it and it will suck you in!
My sweet, sweet dear Lover decided to take a peek and blew the box wide open. I don’t think he realized when he casually joked about showing up at my office in a flight suit, that he flipped the switch and it is ON like Donkey Kong.
We have made plans to spend the evening together in the very near future, so I “casually” asked him if he had any Sharpie’s and their location in his home.
At first he was very helpful in telling me their exact location, in fact, it was such great detail, I couldn’t help but giggle.
I think he had an epiphany, because he paused in mid-sentence, had an “oh shit” moment, corrected himself and stated that he only had Crayola washable markers. Mu ha ha ha ha ;o)
One particular practical joke that makes me bend over laughing to this day is one that I played on my ex-husband, Chris. At the time we were only dating and he had come over to my parents house to hang out. I was feeling a little hungry so I was digging through my mom’s pantry and came across a box of Metamucil Cookies. ****WIDE GRIN****
I opened a few of packages of cookies and placed them neatly on a plate, poured a glass of milk and cheerfully brought them into the living room and presented them to Chris explaining that my mother had tried a new cookie recipe and she wondered if he would try them.
He was ALL too happy to help, finishing off the entire plate.
****CHESSHIRE CAT GRIN****
For those of you that know me, my ability to self-contain and maintain my composure is almost impossible. He couldn’t help but ask me why I could not stop smiling – which exacerbated my expression into full blown laughter.
Needless to say, my mother came into the room and sat down. Chris proceeded to tell her how good her cookies were and she looked confused.
The more he tried to explain that he really enjoyed the cookies she made, the more her face looked more and more perplexed. Yes, folks – the “OH SHIT” moment appeared on his face.
I had to cross my legs because I was laughing so hard that I was literally peeing my pants. He got up, walked into the kitchen, saw the wrappers and screamed “IT IS ON MISSY!” and let’s just say those cookies kicked in about midnight….
The moral of this story, “be afraid, be very afraid!”
Oh and Lover, I will pack my own Sharpie….
ADVICE: LESS SLURPEES, MORE CONDOMS
Sweet Jesus! No doubt! They should just give those suckers away for free!
My Kind of Soulmate
Yes Ma’Am…. we do… and we should not settle for anything less….. The divorce rate would certainly go down if everyone did.
A wonderful feature post by Single Strides. Please enjoy!
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Everyone wants to believe in their one true love. They want to believe in love’s true kiss, the chill-you-to-your-bones first look when you fall in love, and the earth-shattering moment you’ve found the person you can’t live without. You want to imagine the day when nothing else matters but the hand you’re holding, the eyes that watch you fall asleep and the smile that wakes you in the morning.
Everyone wants to believe in finding their soulmate. The person that fits you so completely, you’re not sure how you survived so long without them. The person that finishes your thought even before you have, and pushes you to reach even higher than your dreams. Everyone wants to wait for the person that fills you with so much joy that you forget what sorrow is. The person that you always…
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Over 40 - Everyday Life! 