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Love in New York City – REVISED

As of 7/25/2016:

UNLuckiest Girl in the WORLD!!!!!  My narcissistic alcoholic husband…. Meet the ASSHOLE

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You are the Result of 4 Billion Years of Evolutionary Success. ACT LIKE IT!

There are certain things that piss me off in this world. Of course, some of those things are fairly universal, so they’re not even worth mentioning. Things like taxes or politicians or aggressive drivers are on everybody’s list, so I don’t think I need to bother putting them on mine.

Therefore, I’ll just list some of the oddball, off-beat things that piss me off. Maybe you’ll agree with them, and maybe you won’t. Or maybe you’ll appear in them, which would mean we have a problem. Oh well … I was never big on diplomacy anyway.

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Anti-Elitism

Have you ever had someone call you an “elitist?” Let’s say you mutter something about how people who flunked out of high school are obviously too stupid to vote (which they are), and someone retorts: “that’s the most elitist thing I’ve ever heard”. Are you supposed to feel ashamed? Fuck no, you should say “thank you”!

What the fuck is wrong with intellectual elitism? Should I be ashamed that I would value the opinion of an educated historian on historical matters over that of, say, Ralph the bus driver? Should I be ashamed that I value the information in my university physics textbook over the ignorant drivel being spewed by GreenPeace in its idiotic campaign against nuclear power?

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People who point at their wrist

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy…where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??

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Butt Crack

When your butt crack is showing and there is nothing you can do about it.

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Toilet Paper

When you are in the bathroom and notice there is no toilet paper….after

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Ice

When you are trying to get ice from the bottom of your cup and it ends up spilling in your face.

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People who make wide right turns

OK, why do some people make wide swings to the left before they make a right turn? I mean…these are the people driving Buick’s, not semi’s. They swing all the way into the left lane to make their right hand turn, completely oblivious to anyone who may be passing them.

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Fruit

Fruit that looks great in the store and tastes like shit and is rotten at home.

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Telephone Prompts

Those annoying telephone prompts are #3. Press one for English. This is America where English is our language. Why should I be made to feel that I’m in some foreign country? Now some companies have wised up and give a Spanish prompt immediately. Can anyone tell me if there are prompts in Chinese, Arabic, or Hindi

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Cannibalistic commercials

I find it disturbing that the cute little Cinnamon Toast Crunch pieces are eating each other. I don’t think I could stand having a whole box of them on my shelf, because I’d always be imagining the horrors taking place within. And I don’t think it’s funny to watch the little M&M guys being lured to their doom, fighting for their lives while being stuffed into ovens, and especially the one having his brain devoured by voracious women (who are not even zombies). “It hurts! But I kinda like it” he says. It hurts. I don’t like it. Ditto all the happy, singing cows, chickens, and pigs selling beef, chicken, and pork products. Epic. Ewww.

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Intelligent People Who are Idiots

Most of my close group of acquaintances, (is that a thing?) are extremely intelligent people. However, they are also completely socially incompetent. This does bring up the book smart vs. life smart debate.  From my limited life experiences, I will say that life smarts are more important 100% of the time. What is the use of knowing advanced calculus, European literature,or the periodic table, if you can’t apply those skills in a comfortable social situation.

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Bicycle Shorts

Now you know why bicycle shorts should be black – NO RED!

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Inability To ‘Read’ A Situation

It pisses me off when people don’t know how to gage a situation and stop themselves from making an ass out of themselves for saying the completely wrong thing at the wrong time. If someone is talking about something sad, say….I don’t know….suicide, maybe – don’t be a cock.

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People that need to be told repeatedly to do something

Especially applicable to marching band members. If you’re told to dress a form once, please dress it the next run-through, and the next…It gets annoying hearing the same DI’s saying “dress the fucking form, please.” Synthesize. Assimilate. Think.

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Hypocrites

If you’re going to tell someone how to do something, make sure you know how to do it first.

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Extremist environmentalists

Don’t get me wrong, I love this planet and most forms of life on it, probably more than most environmentalists. But don’t ever tell me you’re going to halt all the logging in an entire region because of one bat. Don’t ask me to sign any petitions either.

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Hypocrites

It bears repeating.

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People who try to push their beliefs on everyone else

It is one thing to preach the wonderful word of God. It is yet another thing to hate someone else for not believing in him. As long as it’s not hurting you, don’t worry about it. Be secure enough in your belief that they will find out that they’re wrong on their own.

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People who exclude others because they aren’t exactly like them

Cliques suck, okay? You know, let that poor little introverted kid in — they could be really funny, or have a great opinion or idea to offer. Of course, they might not. But you can feel better that you tried.

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People who take credit for the work of others

Stop it. The next time I see someone sitting on their ass while some nice people bust ass, then take credit for the whole business later when it counts, I’m going to punch that person in the face.

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People who don’t care who they hurt in their quest for power

This is totally stupid, but I’ve seen it done many times. If you deserve to have power, you will get it. Quit sucking up. It pisses everyone off. If you suck up, don’t be surprised if you have a fucking army of pissed off ‘underlings’ ready to plaster you to the wall with duct tape when the revolution comes.

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Gun control

As long as my Constitution says I have the right to keep and bear, I will. I don’t care if you think it’s archaic; I will defend the Constitution, my rights, and myself with my gun, thank you very much. I think we still need them, if not now more than ever with you stupid bastards trying to take my rights away. Is that not some of the reason our ancestors came here in the first place? Realize your own heritage, for God’s sake.

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Parents who keep topics/words/anything taboo to their kids

If you don’t tell your kids about something, especially if they ask, then you’re fucking yourself. They will find out on their own and use it to defy you. Don’t you remember being a child? Talk about guns. Talk about sex. Do what you have to do. Educate them before they educate themselves in the wrong way.

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People who think their ears are too delicate to hear “swear” words

You know what I’m talking about. Damn, shit, hell, fuck, ass, bitch, tits, cunt, dick…I could go on. I think of myself as Carlinistic in thought; if you know who George Carlin is, then you know what I am talking about. He has an idea that words only have the meaning we attach to them, and he can’t believe that we single out certain words of the 400k or so that we have in the English language as “dirty.” Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. There, I said them. Sometimes, there are just no other words that will do the trick. You are not too good to hear these words. Stop pretending.

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People who don’t like music

What? How the hell do you SURVIVE? I find it hard to believe a heart still beats in your chest if you cannot supplement it with rhythm. End of story.

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Women who get boob jobs

You don’t want big tits. Trust me. They’re a pain in the ass. And if you have a skinny body, they are going to look totally stupid on you. If you think that they’re going to nab you a guy…well, I hope you like shallow-ass men.

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Parents who are obsessed with their children

Again, it looks like I’m contradicting myself. But while it’s one thing to teach your growing kids about the world, it is quite another to live their lives for them. You know, maybe it’s a bit much to take them from school to Girl Scouts, then directly to karate, dance class, yoga, soccer, family therapy, and masturbation practice before making them do their homework, letting them eat in front of the television, then shoving them off to bed. Quit trying to live vicariously through them, you yuppie piece of shit. Just let the poor kid grow up and maybe she won’t murder you in your sleep with that gun you think you’ve hidden from her but won’t teach her about.

How do we stop racism

The word “racist”

Face it, people. You belong to the HUMAN race. African people are not a race, nor are Hispanic people, no more than Irish or Swedish people. The word “race” asserts that there is some fundamental difference setting a group of beings apart. And guess what – I don’t think all the melanin and darker plastids in the world can make you fundamentally different from me, a pinkish, Swedish-Irish-Indian-Canadian girl. It is not a difference, simply a function of the climate that the people you are descended from adapted to.

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LAUGH OUT LOUD….

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I was reading someone else’s blog today and found a LOT of humor.  It was based on “Bad Relationships”.  Here are the highlights and my commentary:

“We have all been there, fuck I have even been in some fucked up relationships with women I even liked. Sometimes we are better left as friends than trying to make a relationship work.”

HA HA, OMG!  What is it about the crazy ones that are so likeable? 

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“If your in such a relationship you have to know in your mind when it is time to go, cut your loss’s and get the fuck out.”

Why does our mind always take so long to cut our losses and get the fuck out? 

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“Then sometimes we enter relationships that start off good, and everything seems to be flowing in a good direction, then it is like you hit a brick wall, and your like what the fuck just happened.”

Everything always starts out all good, just give it time…  that flow turns into a typhoon…  HA HA HA… OMG!  Those “Oh Shit” “What the Fuck just happened moments!:  You gotta love’m!

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“So you let things get to what the fuck happened? How do you fix this? You talk and you talk and you talk, but things are just going from bad to fuck me.”

How many times have things gone from “bad to fuck me?”, it doesn’t even have to be a relationship…  LMAO!!!

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“Abuse does not have to be physical, no no no abuse comes in many different forms it is just verbal abuse knocks the fuck out of you without you seeing it coming.

How many times have you been minding your own business and your S.O. has walked it and you felt like you just got beat with a baseball bat, when if fact you had a tongue lashing that left you curled up in the fetal position?  SWEET JESUS… it just gets better!!!  HA HA

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“It is easy to replace a dumbass , as a matter of fact you can replace a dumbass in less than a week.”

OH gawd!  I love this guy!!! 

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“You can pretend the stupid will go away, but the truth is, once the stupid kicks in, it just loses all control, and you cannot stop it.”

I saved the BEST for last…  “ONCE STUPID KICKS IT, IT JUST LOOSES ALL CONTROL AND YOU CANNOT STOP IT”, I just need to repeat this to myself everyday… ha ha ha…  It is applicable to everyday life!!!  HA HA HA HA!!!  TEARS ARE RUNNING DOWN MY LEGS!!!  Unrequited LOVE…. 

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Just Add Water…. Sea-Monkeys

 

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So I am back from my hiatus and have had my first official weekend being an adult role model to my Lover’s 10 year old daughter.  What a great age, what a great kid, it kind of makes me want to have another.  Whaaa??  Did I just say that out loud?  My son is 21…. Twenty-One, that is 2-1 and now I am considering having another child?  Someone slap me.  

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It is amazing how kids can change your life, whether they are your own, your friends or you are put into a situation where you just add water and become an instant pseduo-parent.  

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This weekend I got to see the world through the eyes of a 10 year old and it has been FUN.  Playing badminton in the house, getting up to 34 hits without dropping the birdie, watching girlie kid movies and tv shows (my how they have changed since I was a kid), feeding baby ducks, playing UNO.

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Going to the grocery store (never knew it could be so fun),  going to Hobby Lobby finding craft projects and having someone who really enjoys doing that kind of stuff (her showing me new and innovative craft ideas with duct tape – yes… duct tape, I am now the proud owner of a duct taped clip board and have duct tape book markers for my textbooks, thank you very much), going to the mall and taking the time to actual shop, give opinions, and look at girlie stuff.  

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The best part is just having “girlie talk” – since boys were primarily in my household for the past 21 years, it really limited the topics (I assure you, they did not want to discuss the prettiest color nail polish).  The oober-bestest part is that she told me she “loved me” when she gave me a great big hug and thanked me.  It made me a little teary, I won’t lie, but it also showed me that in my educational journey that working with kids might be right up my alley.  

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Why is it that when we find someone we love, that we want to share the most ultimate compliment of having a child with that person?  Is it just my biological clock ticking or is there really something to this?  More self-discovery to come.

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“Is Aunt Flo Coming?”

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After yesterday’s irrational rant, that I promptly removed the moment a dear friend asked me ever so politely, “Is Aunt Flo coming?” followed by the “give the guy a break” speech, I realized that the womanly PMS stereotype is real and I promise you that I felt abnormally emotional and batshit crazy yesterday.

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There I said it… You were right… (you don’t know how much it kills me to admit you were right).

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After self-reflection (aka torture), I have come up with a list of 20 irrational things you say when you have raging PMS,:

Fuck this.

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Fuck that.

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I feel like I have an aquifer of sadness inside me. (Yes, I really said this to my sister.)

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Cheee-eee-ee-tos are like LIFE.

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I’m running away, with scissors in hand.

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He said that because he is a MOTHER FUCKING BITCH.

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I’m screening calls. All. Day. Long.

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We should adopt an orphan.

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I need to join the gym.

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Why didn’t my parents ever push me to play lacrosse? I would have been so good.

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Why didn’t my parents ever push me to join debate team? I would have backed everyone down, in the corner and had them in the fetal position sucking their thumb.

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Salt… Sugar…. Salt… Sugar… mmmmmm

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Am I fat? Am I pretty? Do you love me?

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Just… Just…. Walk away… slowly, quietly and don’t make any sudden moves.

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OMG! I don’t know why I am crying, hold me…. Hold me….. boo booo brrr hoo…

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Rub my glands…

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YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

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I’m going to join the Peace Corps.

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You did not just say that…

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*sobbing* I DID THE BEST I COULD *sobbing*.

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Please, I would enjoy you adding more to this list, so I don’t feel like #21 – “All Alone”

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RINSE, RECYCLE, REPEAT – I Just Never Learn…. The reality of understanding that you are just a Placeholder – Mise well just be a pot holder…

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Blind as a bat, heart on your sleeve, honest and a hopeless romantic are three dangerous traits to have. So you think that you have found that special someone who makes your heart pitter-patter… or gives you feelings you never thought you experienced in life….Heed the warning… NEVER get involved with someone newly divorced. I broke my cardinal rule, I seem to break a lot of my rules when it comes to “thinking” I found my soul mate (which as of today – I do not believe in, it is a bunch of bullshit).

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There are some men out there that are never happy with what they have i.e. YOU, they are the type that no matter how horrible a past relationship and ex was, no matter how bad she treated him, or how wrong they were for each other, she is the one that “got away” and men for some stupid reason always want think they want what they can’t have. These are the same guys that if they got the girl back, the one that they dream about while with you, they would realize why it didn’t work out in the first place (case and point).

Not to mention there are two sides to every story and while you are only hearing one side, it often makes one wonder what really happened, especially if you start experiencing things that do not add up, make sense or catch someone in an outright lie.

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Yes there are some situations where two people truly love each other, but for whatever reasons the two “star-crossed lovers” cannot be together, but on the norm non Romeo & Juliet situations, if a relationship ended, it was for a reason. So if the man you are dating cannot move on from a past relationship, then you should move on.

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You have to be smart enough to pick up on the signs; sometimes they will be painfully obvious, but he will not outright admit it, like if he breaks into tears or gets all melancholy often, for no apparent reason(or makes up other reasons to mask the truth), or he cannot watch certain shows/movies, listen to certain songs, or still sleeps with the last piece of clothing she left at his house etc. then you know he is not over her. There are also the men who straight up tell you that he is still in love with or misses his ex, appreciate their honesty, wish him the best, and find someone who wants you.

Duh! signs she is still a huge part of his life, and you probably are not

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He hates that she has someone new. Any jealousy he shows towards his ex’s new guy speaks volumes about how much he still cares about her. Even if he claims to merely be concerned as a friend or “big brother” figure, there’s no reason for him to care who his ex is dating now that he’s with you. If anything, he should be happy she’s moved on – not upset that she’s over him. Proceed with caution around any guy who can’t or won’t be happy if his ex is seeing someone new. (I can’t tell you how happy I am that my ex has remarried and has found someone who will put up with his crazy shit – lol, seriously, the guilt for me peacing out on him is gone and I am at peace)

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Now If you are dumb enough to be with the man I mentioned above, and are okay with being a “replacement”, “second choice”, or someone that he is just killing time with until someone better comes along, then you are an idiot or have zero self-confidence and maybe should re-evaluate why you hate yourself enough to stick around with a man who is wishing you were someone else. (OMG! I’M AM DUMB, IDIOT and apparently HATE MYSELF)

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Remember, it might not necessarily be the most recent ex that your man is still holding in his heart, leaving no room for you to enter, it could be the one that ripped his heart out years ago, either way there are signs. But usually men are not such an open book, and they harbor these feelings in a way that is virtually invisible to the untrained eye (thank you to all my formal education, professors and training for giving me some sort of ability to get enough of a hint to take pause and evaluate the red flags), and even if none of the above, very obvious signs are going on, this may just because he does not have the option to “be there for her” maybe he screwed up the relationship and she wants nothing to do with him. (I am beginning to wonder the dynamics, I am really beginning to question the real reasons for the split. So much so, that that my limbic system is kicking in, and I am lacing up my kicks, because I don’t want a repeat of my SP… and the hairs on the back of my neck are starting to stand up, with too many “similarities” between the two).

A few less obvious signs he wants her, but you will do, for now

Listens to morbid breakup music. If your guy occasionally (or a lot) listens to or mentions morbid music that suggests breaking up, never getting over, being haunted by her, being bound be what was left behind etc. anywhere in the lyrics, then it might be a subtle sign that he’s still clinging on to his past relationship, either that, or he’s just plain depressed. Maybe you even caught him playing “their song” on repeat one day in his room. That is never a good sign. (It is sad, because he thinks I don’t know when he does this and I can see right through it – all while two songs that I will mention make the pit of my stomach hurt:

Betterman:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWzLgWWu5wU

I’m Yours:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy0AmZu3xLg

Somewhere Over the Rainbow:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgaMsXpQk2g

Holds on to memorabilia and pictures of her. If you find little trinkets and gifts from his ex, or pictures hidden under you and him in a frame, then these things holds sentimental value and he is not over her. Now I am not suggesting he should burn every picture and throw out anything that reminds him of her, but they should be put away and not hidden and stashed around various places, these are little red flags. If he has a picture on the fridge with his kids and maybe even mother, but his ex is in it, but not in his life, the picture should not be portrayed either. It is clearly a sign that he wants to see her face daily. (Sadly, they are all over the house, it drawers and the one that pushed me over the edge last night was discovering that the photographs on his cell phone had been changed/broken down categorically and are now mainly of he and his ex (both together and her alone – 100’s of them) – only leaving about 5 or 6 of us – which I childishly deleted)

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His browser talks. Unless your boyfriend is a sneaky ex lover (or thinks he is), he’ll definitely leave a few signs now and then on his computer, ipad or phone. If your boyfriend’s browser history shows that he’s been visiting his ex’s facebook or twitter account or her blog often, he’s definitely not over his ex. (Fucked up right?)

He purposely fights with the Ex. Believe it or not, picking fights with an ex is a great way for a man to get her attention. If the only communication between him and his ex is friendly banter and/or about the kids, he is not getting extra attention from his ex, however, if he is constantly picking fights with the mother of his children, he might be seeking her attention. It doesn’t matter that it is negative attention because she is more actively involved in his life than if things were smooth sailing. (DING DING DING DING – WINNER WINNER WINNER, I can only be so understanding, and I’m at my threshold). He still seems angry with her. Past relationship wounds can still sting, but the feelings we have about those former partners should ebb over time, according to Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., author of the upcoming book The 30-Day Love Detox. “Some guys have physically broken up, yet haven’t emotionally let go and they stay connected through conflict,” she says. “So if he’s still talking about the bad things she did in the past, he’s trying to remind himself that he’s not still in love with her — because he is still in love with her.”

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He is anti-love and super cautious of getting into a serious relationship. A man who has been damaged and ripped apart is either quick to find someone to fill her space (CHING CHING), or takes years to ever open up to anyone else again, if ever. If he was in love and was burnt badly, he now has a negative outlook on love, marriage, and the whole happiness that comes along with all of it when you find someone who you fit with. But some men stare so long at the closed door behind them, something that was not right anyway, that they deny access to the amazing woman standing in front of them, who could be perfect for them and who is willing to open her heart to them. SO if your “guy” (if he even allows you to all him that), is very negative about relationships, lies about things and hides you from what is really going on in his head, he is still missing “HER”.

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You feel it in his touch; you can see it in his eyes. “A woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else. When a man adores you, wants you, and touches you, you should feel the excitement and care he feels for you – (NOT THAT HE HAS TO DRINK to show those emotions, that he can be sober and express them too! FML!) When he talks to you and looks in your eyes, you should see that he is focused on you, if you don’t feel and see you in his touch and eyes, and you are not delusional, you can tell he is thinking about and seeing her. That never feels good and is totally unfair to you. You are awesome and if he doesn’t appreciate and see you for that, someone else will and you will feel it and see it. (I AM AWESOME, HEAR ME ROAR)

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To be fair a man should not have to be lonely forever nursing his heartache, they should be able to date others until they are over the ex and ready to move one with someone else. But it is not right or fair to string women along while she is hoping the relationship is headed to a place he knows it never will. (YES, THOSE SUBTLE COMMENTS – IN BETWEEN THE LINES are a dead giveaway)

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If a man is honest with his feelings and what he wants from you, and you are okay with that, then peace to all, but if you are just accepting his truth “for now” hoping he will fall in love with you and change his mind, you are very likely headed for heartache yourself (. Unfortunately not many men will be honest and up front about what they want from you so be sure to look for the signs.

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Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, but being 2nd best to anyone or “just good enough” since he can’t have “HER” is not good enough for you. (I REFUSE TO BE 2nd BEST TO ANYONE, I REFUSE TO BE A DOORMAT) So if you suspect, feel, or know your guys is just passing time with you and wanting someone else, have enough respect for yourself as a women to walk away. Who knows, once you do he might realize what a nut job he was for not seeing what he had in you while he had the chance instead of missing some past hot mess of a relationship that will never be again. Hopefully for him, you will give him another chance, but be sure his feelings are genuine and he is not just missing a “friend” – (TODAY, I HAVE TO PUT MY BIG GIRL PANTIES ON – AND GIVE MYSELF SOME RESPECT)

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Trust your intuition. You’ll know in your gut whether or not your guy still has eyes for his ex because you’ll get the sense that he’s just not 100 percent committed to your relationship.

He might as well be seeing another woman behind your back because the result is the same. You aren’t getting all of him. It’s like an emotional affair. It damages or hinders the bond you share because he is emotionally tied to someone else.

Love is messy, dangerous, and brutal… But it is worth it to find the one who makes your days beautiful. Make sure you appreciate who you have, while you have them, before they are gone and it is too late.

We are all human and have real feelings and emotions.  Some people navigate through their hurt and pain more quickly than others.  

Deuces/Peace Out

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Today is sad, my heart hurts.  I just feel like giving up.  Pray for me…

It Takes Talent…… to Fall Up the Stairs….

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My whole life I have been clumsy, people have called me Grace, and no, it was not because I had been graced with some miraculous gift, quite the opposite actually – I was and am always less than graceful. Over the years I have learned and accepted to embrace the humiliation and just laugh at myself. This morning was no different, not only did I laugh, but my Lover was absolutely amused.

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So I woke up like I do every morning, bounded downstairs, fixed myself a cup of coffee and then headed back UP the stairs to start my “get ready for work” routine. With spring in my step, love fueling my soul, a fresh cup of coffee in hand and no cares in the world, I inadvertently TRIPPED UP the STAIRS!

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Yes, ladies and gentleman, not only did I TRIP UP the STAIRS, I gave my eyeballs a coffee enema, my face a coffee spritz, changed my hair color to coffee bean brown, and flung coffee all over the stairs, wall and landing….. all my Lover could say from his horizontal position on the bed “OH! That didn’t sound good,” then silence….. complete awkward silence –waiting to hear if I had survived whatever misfortune I dealt myself.

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“Oh Shit!” fluidly flowed from my lips…. then hysterical laughter which apparently was contagious because my Lover busted out in a full ROAR of laugher. Talk about PIE in your face, after cleaning up my mess in the dark, attempting to clean myself up between bursts of laughter, my Lover added salt to my pride by saying “don’t touch me, I don’t want coffee fingers.”

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What the hell are coffee fingers? I don’t know, but it sounded like I had some heinous affliction of coffee cooties that he wanted no part of.

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So folks, if you ever find yourself walking with me, make sure you are arms-length away, so you can be thoroughly entertained rather than acquire coffee cooties or be a victim of my graceful, yet, eloquent clumsiness.

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Update: My eyes feel thoroughly revitalized, more so than they have been in years. My face is now soft and smooth, feeling free of toxins and you will be happy to note, I have added depth to the paint on the wall, giving it a bit of flare and dimension.

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You AWAKE?

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So most people have the uncanny ability to fall asleep – I on the other hand go toe to toe with the sleep nazi every night. This is nothing new; I’ve been this way since a child. It is not that my mind is racing; it is just always at a constant. The thinking pattern is the same as when I am awake. Always finding models, relationships, new ideas, mulling over events, writing and rewriting papers (yes, in my head) and my favorite are my SQUIRREL tangents. That is my mantra for getting distracted.

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Since I have purged my body of sleeping aids, I am back to my old peculiar habits that actually give others pause. When I find I cannot sleep, rather than lay in bed, toss and turn, I get up and engage myself.

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The other night, I decided to do research for a friend of mine on 504 and Special Education in the public school system. I sent her a plethora of material and I am sure she is overwhelmed. Last night, I decided to start my thesis – crazy right? I’m not even at that point in graduate school; however, I do owe one of my professors a 30 page paper, so I figured I could knock it out and then continue to use it as my platform for my thesis. Madly typing on my Lover’s computer in both instances, he came downstairs, has given me two puzzled looks and then went back to bed. I smiled.

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One night my Lover joined me at 3:00 AM in the morning after I got up, made coffee and started my day…. Laundry, cleaning, painting, etc. When we first met, I took a pill to knock my ass out at night. Since then, I have decided to just take vitamins and purge my body of all chemicals. While this is new to him, I am sure this is one more thing he wonders about when it comes to me.

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Some creative ideas for those of you who have the same curse: landscape poster temp

Clean the house. Chances are it is dirty, this is a perfect way to wear your ass out and when you do finally fall asleep from exhaustion you will have woken up to a clean house and clean folded clothes. Not only will you appreciate it, but your Lover will too, as it will be one less thing for him to have to think about and gives him time to enjoy his down time.

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Finish your project. If you are like me you have five projects going on at any given time. This is a hobby that drives most people nuts. The best thing for one to do is finish up these little projects in the middle of the night, so it looks like elves came in and completed the tasks that drove your Lover batty.

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Read a book on your tablet. I actually love reading, the only problem is when I read my favorite trashy romance novels, I find myself waking my Lover up in the middle of the night…. ‘nough said… use your imagination.

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Watch a TV show or movie on Netflix. Perfect opportunity to brush up on all those shows that you don’t want others to know you watch. The only obstacle is if your Lover wakes up in the middle of the night too and catches you. Don’t fear this, as I have a trick that works, just throw a blanket over your head…. Because in my reality, if you can’t see it, then it is not really there. He will eventually get the hint, get a good laugh and then head back to bed.

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Check out some social media. Totally love catching up on what all my friends have been doing.

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Have a Midnight snack. Midnight snacks are the best. There is nothing like getting the sliced applies and Peter Pan Crunchy Peanut butter out and going to town.

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Write in or start a journal. That is right, just pour your heart into it… Moan, groan and celebrate about your life in a journal, because honestly, other people do not really want to hear about it.

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Reorganize something. I love reorganizing things. It keeps people on their toes. However, they may not like it so much when they can’t find the coffee filters….

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Listen to music. I listen to music all the time. It is how I energize myself. It is food for thought, it puts a little zip in my step and is a good way to shut down the random thoughts.

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Make a to-do-list for the following day, week or month. I live by the lists; if I didn’t have lists nothing would get done. Part of my problem is I start my little projects and forget to write the things I need to complete the projects. If I could only remember to do that, my projects would be done in a timely manner – I think…. Well it sounds good anyway….

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Another great attribute I have is about 90% of the time I am a morning person. It drives people nuts at first, but then they seem to embrace it. It is a way for them to start their day on a positive note. I begin by rooting around like a pig in their nose, jumping on the bed, singing, dancing and bouncing around them like tigger the tiger.

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At first, their reaction to my burst of energy in the morning is total and complete DISBELIEF and LOATHING; however, over time it becomes a ritual. I find that the 10% of the time I am not a morning person it throws my Lover’s day off OR he will pick up the slack and pay me back – 10 fold… NO LIE… 10 fold!

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Ode to the Drunk One Liners

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“You know you are my Brother…..”

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“You know, I am not drunk…..”

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“I can drive…..”

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“Please don’t be offended but….”

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“I respect you from my heart….”

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“I totally have your back, dude…..”

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“I fucking love you bro….” (Followed by the hand grab, chest bump, back pat, ass slap…whathaveyou. Repeat eight times before the night is over.)

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“What are you looking at?”

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“Is that your wife? (After he say’s ‘yes’. – you look at her and say) Lady, you can do a whole lot better than this. That’s a ‘mercy’ hump there….”

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“Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! Hey!!!! I’m talking to you….”

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“What did I tell you my name was?”

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“I swear to God and on my mother’s grave….”

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“No, but like, you are my best friend and I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk. I really do love you.”

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“and I’m not just saying this ’cause I’m wasted”

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“You’re so beautiful…”

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“Come here… seriously… come here….”

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“You wanna say it to my face?”

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“You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling…..”

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“Tell me brother what do you want? You want my life, take it.”

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“Bastard that girl is mine, look at her with respect.”

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“She doesn’t deserve you….”(meaning let me try to hit it)

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“What do you think I am drunk? I can drink at least another liter” (That one is for you Wills)

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“I can’t live without her.”

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“I love her man.”

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“I’m never drinking again!”

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“You know what’s good with vodka? More vodka”

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“That’s my song…”

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“You know what we should do….”

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“Yea, I tapped that….”

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“Fuck you, dude…”

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“Don’t taze me bro….”

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CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!!!!!

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What is one of the greatest gifts of all? Self-Discovery and discovering you and your partner have a lot more in common than you originally thought.

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When you begin to realize that your partner gives you unconditional love and acceptance it makes a HUGE difference. Previous relationships, marriages, etc. have dictated a certain role – beating us down into submission – losing our voice to say “I AM LION HEAR ME ROAR!” We created coping mechanisms and ways to suppress our true inner self. But, if you listen to the things your partner says, you just might hear the kitten giving subtle “mews.”

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For me, from the very beginning, I knew I was adopted. People would ask me if I knew how special I was because I was “chosen.” I’d give them a crooked smile, run off with my blond hair bouncing behind me, yelling “Catch Me If You Can.” I was such a free-spirit, a dreamer, a silly-heart. Fireflies intrigued me, and cat tails were magic wands to worlds of great imagination. Green slimy frogs, fuzzy caterpillars and grass snakes made me giggle. Fields of honey wheat were just mystical mazes of tomfoolery. At that time, nothing seemed beyond my reach.

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When I learned to write my letters it became an art. Instead of mastering the concept, it became a process of drawing them, like Picasso painted his masterpieces. I had no fear, I was curious as all get out and made no qualms about investigating, even if it meant taking something apart and putting it back together again – or not, lol.

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The love of laughing and loving my friends was enchanting. I was such a tomboy, I hated wearing dresses. Most of my friends were boys, but at that time no one cared, we were just kids – it also made for some serious rough and tumble, down and dirty, knee deep in mud kind of escapades. There was never any reason for concern and it was rarely, if ever a question – it was always FULL STEAM AHEAD… Yes, we got in TROUBLE a LOT, but back then, WE ROARED through it!

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Today, some of us are blessed, as God has given us the ability to hear those soft mews, to understand them and ignite an epiphany that for once in your adult life, you have found someone who you are FREE to ROAR with!

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So when asked “Can Kristen come out and play?” that blond haired, free-spirit, silly-hearted little girl will not only bust open the screen door and take off running – she will yell “TAG YOUR IT”

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