RINSE, RECYCLE, REPEAT – I Just Never Learn…. The reality of understanding that you are just a Placeholder – Mise well just be a pot holder…
Blind as a bat, heart on your sleeve, honest and a hopeless romantic are three dangerous traits to have. So you think that you have found that special someone who makes your heart pitter-patter… or gives you feelings you never thought you experienced in life….Heed the warning… NEVER get involved with someone newly divorced. I broke my cardinal rule, I seem to break a lot of my rules when it comes to “thinking” I found my soul mate (which as of today – I do not believe in, it is a bunch of bullshit).
There are some men out there that are never happy with what they have i.e. YOU, they are the type that no matter how horrible a past relationship and ex was, no matter how bad she treated him, or how wrong they were for each other, she is the one that “got away” and men for some stupid reason always want think they want what they can’t have. These are the same guys that if they got the girl back, the one that they dream about while with you, they would realize why it didn’t work out in the first place (case and point).
Not to mention there are two sides to every story and while you are only hearing one side, it often makes one wonder what really happened, especially if you start experiencing things that do not add up, make sense or catch someone in an outright lie.
Yes there are some situations where two people truly love each other, but for whatever reasons the two “star-crossed lovers” cannot be together, but on the norm non Romeo & Juliet situations, if a relationship ended, it was for a reason. So if the man you are dating cannot move on from a past relationship, then you should move on.
You have to be smart enough to pick up on the signs; sometimes they will be painfully obvious, but he will not outright admit it, like if he breaks into tears or gets all melancholy often, for no apparent reason(or makes up other reasons to mask the truth), or he cannot watch certain shows/movies, listen to certain songs, or still sleeps with the last piece of clothing she left at his house etc. then you know he is not over her. There are also the men who straight up tell you that he is still in love with or misses his ex, appreciate their honesty, wish him the best, and find someone who wants you.
Duh! signs she is still a huge part of his life, and you probably are not
He hates that she has someone new. Any jealousy he shows towards his ex’s new guy speaks volumes about how much he still cares about her. Even if he claims to merely be concerned as a friend or “big brother” figure, there’s no reason for him to care who his ex is dating now that he’s with you. If anything, he should be happy she’s moved on – not upset that she’s over him. Proceed with caution around any guy who can’t or won’t be happy if his ex is seeing someone new. (I can’t tell you how happy I am that my ex has remarried and has found someone who will put up with his crazy shit – lol, seriously, the guilt for me peacing out on him is gone and I am at peace)
Now If you are dumb enough to be with the man I mentioned above, and are okay with being a “replacement”, “second choice”, or someone that he is just killing time with until someone better comes along, then you are an idiot or have zero self-confidence and maybe should re-evaluate why you hate yourself enough to stick around with a man who is wishing you were someone else. (OMG! I’M AM DUMB, IDIOT and apparently HATE MYSELF)
Remember, it might not necessarily be the most recent ex that your man is still holding in his heart, leaving no room for you to enter, it could be the one that ripped his heart out years ago, either way there are signs. But usually men are not such an open book, and they harbor these feelings in a way that is virtually invisible to the untrained eye (thank you to all my formal education, professors and training for giving me some sort of ability to get enough of a hint to take pause and evaluate the red flags), and even if none of the above, very obvious signs are going on, this may just because he does not have the option to “be there for her” maybe he screwed up the relationship and she wants nothing to do with him. (I am beginning to wonder the dynamics, I am really beginning to question the real reasons for the split. So much so, that that my limbic system is kicking in, and I am lacing up my kicks, because I don’t want a repeat of my SP… and the hairs on the back of my neck are starting to stand up, with too many “similarities” between the two).
A few less obvious signs he wants her, but you will do, for now
Listens to morbid breakup music. If your guy occasionally (or a lot) listens to or mentions morbid music that suggests breaking up, never getting over, being haunted by her, being bound be what was left behind etc. anywhere in the lyrics, then it might be a subtle sign that he’s still clinging on to his past relationship, either that, or he’s just plain depressed. Maybe you even caught him playing “their song” on repeat one day in his room. That is never a good sign. (It is sad, because he thinks I don’t know when he does this and I can see right through it – all while two songs that I will mention make the pit of my stomach hurt:
I’m Yours: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy0AmZu3xLg
Somewhere Over the Rainbow: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgaMsXpQk2g
Holds on to memorabilia and pictures of her. If you find little trinkets and gifts from his ex, or pictures hidden under you and him in a frame, then these things holds sentimental value and he is not over her. Now I am not suggesting he should burn every picture and throw out anything that reminds him of her, but they should be put away and not hidden and stashed around various places, these are little red flags. If he has a picture on the fridge with his kids and maybe even mother, but his ex is in it, but not in his life, the picture should not be portrayed either. It is clearly a sign that he wants to see her face daily. (Sadly, they are all over the house, it drawers and the one that pushed me over the edge last night was discovering that the photographs on his cell phone had been changed/broken down categorically and are now mainly of he and his ex (both together and her alone – 100’s of them) – only leaving about 5 or 6 of us – which I childishly deleted)
His browser talks. Unless your boyfriend is a sneaky ex lover (or thinks he is), he’ll definitely leave a few signs now and then on his computer, ipad or phone. If your boyfriend’s browser history shows that he’s been visiting his ex’s facebook or twitter account or her blog often, he’s definitely not over his ex. (Fucked up right?)
He purposely fights with the Ex. Believe it or not, picking fights with an ex is a great way for a man to get her attention. If the only communication between him and his ex is friendly banter and/or about the kids, he is not getting extra attention from his ex, however, if he is constantly picking fights with the mother of his children, he might be seeking her attention. It doesn’t matter that it is negative attention because she is more actively involved in his life than if things were smooth sailing. (DING DING DING DING – WINNER WINNER WINNER, I can only be so understanding, and I’m at my threshold). He still seems angry with her. Past relationship wounds can still sting, but the feelings we have about those former partners should ebb over time, according to Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., author of the upcoming book The 30-Day Love Detox. “Some guys have physically broken up, yet haven’t emotionally let go and they stay connected through conflict,” she says. “So if he’s still talking about the bad things she did in the past, he’s trying to remind himself that he’s not still in love with her — because he is still in love with her.”
He is anti-love and super cautious of getting into a serious relationship. A man who has been damaged and ripped apart is either quick to find someone to fill her space (CHING CHING), or takes years to ever open up to anyone else again, if ever. If he was in love and was burnt badly, he now has a negative outlook on love, marriage, and the whole happiness that comes along with all of it when you find someone who you fit with. But some men stare so long at the closed door behind them, something that was not right anyway, that they deny access to the amazing woman standing in front of them, who could be perfect for them and who is willing to open her heart to them. SO if your “guy” (if he even allows you to all him that), is very negative about relationships, lies about things and hides you from what is really going on in his head, he is still missing “HER”.
You feel it in his touch; you can see it in his eyes. “A woman knows when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else. When a man adores you, wants you, and touches you, you should feel the excitement and care he feels for you – (NOT THAT HE HAS TO DRINK to show those emotions, that he can be sober and express them too! FML!) When he talks to you and looks in your eyes, you should see that he is focused on you, if you don’t feel and see you in his touch and eyes, and you are not delusional, you can tell he is thinking about and seeing her. That never feels good and is totally unfair to you. You are awesome and if he doesn’t appreciate and see you for that, someone else will and you will feel it and see it. (I AM AWESOME, HEAR ME ROAR)
To be fair a man should not have to be lonely forever nursing his heartache, they should be able to date others until they are over the ex and ready to move one with someone else. But it is not right or fair to string women along while she is hoping the relationship is headed to a place he knows it never will. (YES, THOSE SUBTLE COMMENTS – IN BETWEEN THE LINES are a dead giveaway)
If a man is honest with his feelings and what he wants from you, and you are okay with that, then peace to all, but if you are just accepting his truth “for now” hoping he will fall in love with you and change his mind, you are very likely headed for heartache yourself (. Unfortunately not many men will be honest and up front about what they want from you so be sure to look for the signs.
Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing, but being 2nd best to anyone or “just good enough” since he can’t have “HER” is not good enough for you. (I REFUSE TO BE 2nd BEST TO ANYONE, I REFUSE TO BE A DOORMAT) So if you suspect, feel, or know your guys is just passing time with you and wanting someone else, have enough respect for yourself as a women to walk away. Who knows, once you do he might realize what a nut job he was for not seeing what he had in you while he had the chance instead of missing some past hot mess of a relationship that will never be again. Hopefully for him, you will give him another chance, but be sure his feelings are genuine and he is not just missing a “friend” – (TODAY, I HAVE TO PUT MY BIG GIRL PANTIES ON – AND GIVE MYSELF SOME RESPECT)
Trust your intuition. You’ll know in your gut whether or not your guy still has eyes for his ex because you’ll get the sense that he’s just not 100 percent committed to your relationship.
He might as well be seeing another woman behind your back because the result is the same. You aren’t getting all of him. It’s like an emotional affair. It damages or hinders the bond you share because he is emotionally tied to someone else.
Love is messy, dangerous, and brutal… But it is worth it to find the one who makes your days beautiful. Make sure you appreciate who you have, while you have them, before they are gone and it is too late.
We are all human and have real feelings and emotions. Some people navigate through their hurt and pain more quickly than others.
Today is sad, my heart hurts. I just feel like giving up. Pray for me…
Posted on August 11, 2014, in My Life Over 40 and tagged Awakening, Bad Love, boyfriend, Dating, Divorce, Everyday Life; boxers, Girl Power, Journey, Life, life after 40, Love, Me, Memories, Men, Narcisstic, Over 40, over 40 and single, Real Men, Relationships, Self-Help, Sociopath, Spirituality, Strength, who not to date, Women. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.